Very Hard Riddles - Page 1

You hear it speak, for it has a hard tongue. But it cannot breathe, for it has not a lung. What is it?
Answer: A bell

If you break me I'll not stop working. If you can touch me, my work is done. If you lose me, you must find me with a ring soon after. What am I?
Answer: A heart

I have a hundred legs but cannot stand, a long neck but no head; I eat the maid's life. What am I?
Answer: A broom

What does no man want, yet no man want to lose?
Answer: Work (employment)

A riddle, a riddle, as I suppose; a hundred eyes and never a nose! What is it?
Answer: A sieve

I have four wings, but cannot fly, I never laugh and never cry; On the same spot I'm always found, toiling away with little sound. What am I?
Answer: A windmill

He stands beside the road in a purple cap and tattered green cloak. Those who touch him, curse him.
Answer: Thistle

Two brothers we are, great burdens we bear, all day we are bitterly pressed; Yet this I will say - we are full all the day, and empty when we go
Answer: A pair of shoes

White bird, featherless, flyin' out o' paradise, flyin' over sea and land, dyin' in my hand. What is it?
Answer: A snowflake

Always old, sometimes new, never sad, sometimes blue. Never empty, sometimes full, never pushes, always pulls.
Answer: The moon

Secrets of a happy marriage

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. 

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in New York.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

Things to ponder

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?

Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?

Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Things you never hear a woman say

Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.

Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.

I think hairy butts are really sexy

Hey, get a whiff of that one.

Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpits are just too cute.

This diamond is way to big.

I don't even wanna put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.

Wow, it really is 14 inches!

Does this make my butt look too small?

I'm wrong, you must be right again.

I would give that 5 minutes....

What the doctor really means

1. "There is a lot of that going around."
That's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

2. "Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

3. "Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

4. "We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

5. "Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

6. "Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

7. "I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

8. "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

9. "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

10. "This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

11. "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

12. "This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

13. "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

14. "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank goodness I'm off next week.

Job Adverts - What they really mean

Advancement opportunity: Crap job

Entry level: Really crap job

No experience necessary: The mother of all crap jobs

Administrative assistant: Crap job with a title

Upbeat personality: Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug and alcohol rehab benefit within the first year

Word processing skills essential: There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future

Public relations: Receptionist

Pleasant telephone manner: Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME

Salary range $24,000 to $32,000: The salary is $24,000

Will train: Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem

Women and minorities encouraged to apply: White males need not waste the stamp

Tons of variety: We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and rolled them into one.

Top-notch communication skills: Telemarketing

Beautiful offices in attractive location: Brand new tacky, windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting

Dedicated: You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement

Salary commensurate: We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like

Salary negotiable: We'll take the lowest bidder

Competitive salary: We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more

Competitive starting salary: Ten cents above minimum wage

Pleasant atmosphere: A staff of pod people

Self-starter: Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means

Crazy facts

  If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

  The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

  A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes!

  Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

  Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

  On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

  The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)

  You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

  Americans (as a group) on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

  Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

  You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a Poisonous spider.

  Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

  In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies,Including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
  A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

  The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

  Polar bears are left handed.

  The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for the animal having the most taste buds.

  The flea can jump 350 times its body length, It's like a human Jumping the length of a football field.

  A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.

  The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.

  Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to come back as a Pig)

  Butterflies taste with their feet.

  Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

  A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

  An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

  Seastars (a.k.a Starfish) don't have brains.

Doctor Doctor jokes - page 3

Doctor doctor, I feel like a carrot
Don't get yourself in a stew

Doctor doctor, I've swallowed my pocket money
Take this and we'll see if there's any change in the morning

Doctor doctor, what happened to that man who fell into the circular saw and had the whole left side of his body cut away?
He's all right now.

Doctor doctor, I'm at death's door!
don't worry, we'll soon pull you through

Doctor doctor, my spouse is so ill, is there no hope?
it depends what you are hoping for

Doctor doctor, Help me now! I'm getting shorter and shorter!
Just wait there and be a little patient

Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of wigwams
the problem is, you've become too tense

Doctor, doctor I’m addicted to brake fluid
Nonsense man, you can stop anytime

Doctor doctor, I couldn't drink my medicine after my bath like you told me
why not?
well after I've drunk my bath I haven't got room for the medicine

Doctor doctor, every time I drink a cup of hot chocolate I get a stabbing pain in the eye
Try taking the spoon out first

Doctor, doctor I feel like a sheep.
oh that's very baaaaaaaad!

Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
pull yourselves together man

Puns – Page 6

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

I quit gymnastics because I was tired of hanging around the bars.

The coffee tasted like mud because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.

Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.

My student was late for class, claiming he was in the washroom. I think he was stalling.

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

He said I was average - but he was just being mean.

I didn't have the faintest idea as to why I passed out.

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I've been carrying. I'm ex-static!

Green grocers earn a meagre celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, take a leek, turnip the covers endive into bed.

I went to the store to buy some soup but they were out of stock.

The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands. 

When the head of the consulting team suggested that the canal around the castle be filled up with cement, he was demoted.

She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.

The indecisive rower couldn't choose either oar.

I'm inclined to be laid back.

A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing. 

The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Funny Quotes - Page 7

Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and you will learn a lot today.

If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?

Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!

I couldn't care less about apathy.

Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

Smokers are just like everybody else. Just not as long.

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

He's a graduate of The Uncle Fester and Keith Moon School of hair styling.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Flying Quotes

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, increase your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to appeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

True Facts - Page 1

Gillette spent $1,000,000 to place razor samples in the welcome bags handed out at the Democratic National Convention, only to have them confiscated as they were considered a threat. This caused huge delays at all security checkpoints.

Even today, 90% of the continental United States is still open space or farmland.

Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.

Dogs have two sets of teeth, just like humans. They first have 30 "puppy" teeth, then 42 adult teeth.

The California Department of Motor Vehicles has issued six driver's licenses to six different people named Jesus Christ.

Only 6% of the autographs in circulation from members of the Beatles are estimated to be real.

90% of Canada's 31,000,000 citizens live within 100 miles of the U.S. border.

The praying mantis is the only insect that can turn its head.

Beethoven dipped his head in cold water before he composed.

Two 1903 paintings recently sold at auction for $590,000 - the paintings were in the famous "Dogs Playing Poker" series.

Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.

About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30.

Mel Gibson has personally earned almost $400,000,000 from his movie "The Passion of the Christ".

Author Hunter S. Thompson, who committed suicide recently, wanted to be cremated and his ashes to be shot out of a cannon on his ranch.

A chef's hat is shaped the way it is for a reason: its shape allows air to circulate around the scalp, keeping the head cool in a hot kitchen.

CBS's fine for Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" in the 2004 Super Bowl show was $550,000. This could be paid with only 7.5 seconds of commercial time during the same Super Bowl telecast.

The Weddell seal can travel underwater for seven miles without surfacing for air.

The largest McDonald's is in Beijing, China - measuring 28,000 square feet. It has twenty nine cash registers.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

Married men change their underwear twice as often as single men.

The Chicago Cubs are suing former Hartford Courant newspaper carrier Mark Guthrie to get back $301,000 in pay that was intended to go to a Cubs pitcher with the same name. The Tribune Company owns both the Hartford Courant and the Chicago Cubs.

In England, in the 1880's, "Pants" was considered a dirty word.

Five years ago, 60% of all retail purchases were made with cash or check. Now it's 50%. By 2010, 39% of purchases will be made by cash or check.

The second Saturday in September is usually a popular time for weddings. Not in 2004, as most couples did not want their anniversaries on September 11.

There is a company that will (for $14,000) take your ashes, compress them into a synthetic diamond to be set in jewellery for a loved one.

It's against the law to slam your car door in Switzerland.

The drive-through line on opening day at the McDonald's restaurant in Kuwait City, Kuwait was at times seven miles long.

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28

The chance that you will die on the way to buy your lottery ticket is greater than the chance of you winning the big prize in most lotteries.

Doctor Doctor jokes - page 2

Doctor, Doctor
Every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this stabbing pain in my eye!
I suggest you take the spoon out!

Doctor, Doctor
My irregular heartbeat is really frightening me.
Don't worry - we'll soon put a stop to it!

Doctor, Doctor
Please help me. I think I'm invisible
Next Please!

Doctor, Doctor
I've just swallowed my mouth organ
Well look on the bright side, at least you weren't playing a grand piano!

Doctor, Doctor
I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor
I think I'm a cat?
How long has this been going on?
Oh, since I was a kitten I guess!

Doctor, Doctor
I've got insomnia
Just sit on the edge of the bed. You'll soon drop off!

Doctor, Doctor
Is there anything wrong with my heart?
After a thorough examination I can confidently say it will last as long as you do!

Doctor, Doctor
I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!

Doctor Doctor
I'm not well - can you give me something to make me better?
Take 2 teaspoons of this after every meal?
But Doctor, I've only got one teaspoon?

Doctor to Dumb Blonde
Well Miss, I've discovered your problem - you are pregnant!
Oh! Is it mine?

Funny Quotes - Page 6

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

Look out for number 1, and don't step in number 2, either.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?

A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Somebody who knows how will always have a job. Working for someone who knows why.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Puns - Page 5

She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

I really do have a photographic memory -- I just haven't developed it yet.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive.

I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.

The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.

I went to the store to buy some soup but they were out of stock.

I'm inclined to be laid back.

Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.

I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.

The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.

He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.

A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Easy Riddles - Page 3

I run around the city, but I never move. What am I?
Answer: A wall

They have not flesh, nor feathers, nor scales, nor bone. Yet they have fingers and thumbs of their own. What are they?
Answer: Gloves

I'm the source of all emotion, but I'm caged in a white prison. What am I?
Answer: Heart

The more you have of it, the less you see. What is it?
Answer: Darkness

Foward I am heavy, but backward I am not. What am I?
Answer: A TON

I have a face, yet no senses. But I don't really care, because time is of the essence.
Answer: A clock

My life is often a volume of grief, your help is needed to turn a new leaf. Stiff is my spine and my body is pale, but I'm always ready to tell a tale.
Answer: A book

My maker never wants me, my buyer never uses me, my user never sees me. What am I?
Answer: A coffin

I'm a busy active creature, full of mirth and play by nature; nimbly I skip from tree to tree, to get the food that's fit for me; then let me hear, if you can tell, what is my name and where I dwell!
Answer: Squirrel & tree

I saw a man in white, he looked quite a sight. He was not old, but he stood in the cold. And when he felt the sun he started to run. Who could he be? Please answer me.
Answer: a Snowman

Silly Questions - Page 4

If a king is gay and marries another guy what is that guy to the royal family?

Why are red buttons always the most important?

How is chess considered a sport?

Why is it when your sleeping it`s called drool but when your awake its called spit?

If a hermaphrodite got sent to a certain gender prison, which one would it get sent to?

If a teacher were to teach a younger grade than they were teaching before, would they be "degraded"?

If you get chemo-therapy do you lose your pubic hairs? Would you die if you didn't pee?

Why does every Abraham Lincoln impersonator sound the same, even though there are no known audio recordings of the man?

How's come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Yet the moment you do anything childish or immature they tell you to grow up.

Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.

When Atheists go to Court, they can't swear on the bible, can they?

If marbles are not made of marble, why are they called marbles?

If you dig a hole through the center of the earth, come out on the other side, and then let go, would you be falling down or floating up?

Could you be a closet claustrophobic?

Could someone be addicted to counseling? If so, how would you treat them?

If ketchup is good on french fries, how come it isn't good on mashed potatoes?

Where do all the daylight savings hours go?

Why doesn't the hair on your arms grow as fast as the hair on your head?

What happens if a black cat walks under a ladder and breaks a mirror?

Why when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a desert island?" no one ever replies, "A BOAT"

Why are elderly people often called "old people" but children are never called "new people"?

How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt?

Why doesn't broccoli come in a can?

Can you slam a revolving door?

How young can you be, but still die of old age?

What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?

Can a cross-eyed teacher control his pupils?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

If winnie the pooh was civilized enough to keep his honey in jars, why did he eat it off his hands? Surely he had spoons?

What happens if you get a paper cut from a Get Well card? Can you read a picture book?

Why does it say "shake well" on ketchup bottles, but not ketchup packets?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism?

Why does it say do not use before work with heavy machinery on the back of childrens tylenol? I mean..really

could we save that many people by getting those darn five year-olds with headcolds off those forklifts!

If mirrors need light to work, what happens if you put night vision goggles on in the dark and look at a mirror?

if you're on an American airline, and you land in Canada and stay on the plane, is the drinking age still 21 or does it change to 19?

What happens if every team in the NFL goes 8-8?

What shape is the sky?

If a Jewish person goes to court and is asked to put their right hand on the Bible, do they use a Torah instead?

Why is it written "May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts" on peanut butter jars. Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves?

If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking?

What is a chickpea if it is neither a chick nor a pea?

Why is it called the People's Republic Of China when China's not a republic?

If you have a gun and you ask, "can I ask you a question?" and they say "fire away" should you shoot them?

Sarcastic Quotes – Page 2

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

What have you been reading, the Gospel According to St. B*****d?

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

He never slows down to think; it's too painful to spend times with his own thoughts.

I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.

Do unto yourself as your neighbours do unto themselves and look pleasant.

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

Why was I born with such contemporaries?

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

I'm not so good with the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.