Thursday, 19 November 2015

Secrets of a happy marriage

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. 

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in New York.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

Thursday, 5 March 2015

Things to ponder

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?

Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?

Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Friday, 13 February 2015

Things you never hear a woman say

Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.

Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.

I think hairy butts are really sexy

Hey, get a whiff of that one.

Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpits are just too cute.

This diamond is way to big.

I don't even wanna put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.

Wow, it really is 14 inches!

Does this make my butt look too small?

I'm wrong, you must be right again.

I would give that 5 minutes....

Saturday, 7 February 2015

What the doctor really means

1. "There is a lot of that going around."
That's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

2. "Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

3. "Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

4. "We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

5. "Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

6. "Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

7. "I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

8. "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

9. "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

10. "This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

11. "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

12. "This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

13. "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

14. "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank goodness I'm off next week.

Tuesday, 3 February 2015

Job Adverts - What they really mean

Advancement opportunity: Crap job

Entry level: Really crap job

No experience necessary: The mother of all crap jobs

Administrative assistant: Crap job with a title

Upbeat personality: Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug and alcohol rehab benefit within the first year

Word processing skills essential: There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future

Public relations: Receptionist

Pleasant telephone manner: Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME

Salary range $24,000 to $32,000: The salary is $24,000

Will train: Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem

Women and minorities encouraged to apply: White males need not waste the stamp

Tons of variety: We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and rolled them into one.

Top-notch communication skills: Telemarketing

Beautiful offices in attractive location: Brand new tacky, windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting

Dedicated: You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement

Salary commensurate: We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like

Salary negotiable: We'll take the lowest bidder

Competitive salary: We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more

Competitive starting salary: Ten cents above minimum wage

Pleasant atmosphere: A staff of pod people

Self-starter: Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means