Sunday, 1 September 2013

Funny Quotes - Page 23

I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.

Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.

It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing:  We also want food.

If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.

She's cute, I thought, but you don't need to like a girl who treats you like you're ten: You've already got a mom.

If you can't do anything about it, laugh like hell.

Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial.

I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.

It’s true, I can’t make you love me. But I can refuse to let you out of your cage.

I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was.

It’s scary to be a woman on a blind date. For all she knows the man she is meeting up with could be a rapist, a murderer, or, God forbid, a politician.

I've often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it's the one right after the next to the last one.

Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.

I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes.

If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I'd have 50 cents. That's assuming drag queens are half price.

Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable.

If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, "Now." But you'd also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast.

With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell.

In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench.

Love is like whoa! Actually, it's closer to woe.

I am the broth of love. Make soup to me.