Friday, 28 February 2014

Doctor Doctor jokes - page 2

Doctor, Doctor
Every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this stabbing pain in my eye!
I suggest you take the spoon out!

Doctor, Doctor

My irregular heartbeat is really frightening me.
Don't worry - we'll soon put a stop to it!

Doctor, Doctor

Please help me. I think I'm invisible
Next Please!

Doctor, Doctor

I've just swallowed my mouth organ
Well look on the bright side, at least you weren't playing a grand piano!

Doctor, Doctor

I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor

I think I'm a cat?
How long has this been going on?
Oh, since I was a kitten I guess!

Doctor, Doctor

I've got insomnia
Just sit on the edge of the bed. You'll soon drop off!

Doctor, Doctor

Is there anything wrong with my heart?
After a thorough examination I can confidently say it will last as long as you do!

Doctor, Doctor

I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!

Doctor Doctor

I'm not well - can you give me something to make me better?
Take 2 teaspoons of this after every meal?
But Doctor, I've only got one teaspoon?

Doctor to Dumb Blonde

Well Miss, I've discovered your problem - you are pregnant!
Oh! Is it mine?

Thursday, 27 February 2014

Funny Quotes - Page 6

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

Look out for number 1, and don't step in number 2, either.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?

A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Somebody who knows how will always have a job. Working for someone who knows why.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Wednesday, 26 February 2014

Puns - Page 5

She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

I really do have a photographic memory -- I just haven't developed it yet.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive.

I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.

The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.

I went to the store to buy some soup but they were out of stock.

I'm inclined to be laid back.

Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.

I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.

The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.

He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.

A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Tuesday, 25 February 2014

Easy Riddles - Page 3

I run around the city, but I never move. What am I?
Answer: A wall

They have not flesh, nor feathers, nor scales, nor bone. Yet they have fingers and thumbs of their own. What are they?
Answer: Gloves

I'm the source of all emotion, but I'm caged in a white prison. What am I?
Answer: Heart

The more you have of it, the less you see. What is it?
Answer: Darkness

Foward I am heavy, but backward I am not. What am I?
Answer: A TON

I have a face, yet no senses. But I don't really care, because time is of the essence.
Answer: A clock

My life is often a volume of grief, your help is needed to turn a new leaf. Stiff is my spine and my body is pale, but I'm always ready to tell a tale.
Answer: A book

My maker never wants me, my buyer never uses me, my user never sees me. What am I?
Answer: A coffin

I'm a busy active creature, full of mirth and play by nature; nimbly I skip from tree to tree, to get the food that's fit for me; then let me hear, if you can tell, what is my name and where I dwell!
Answer: Squirrel & tree

I saw a man in white, he looked quite a sight. He was not old, but he stood in the cold. And when he felt the sun he started to run. Who could he be? Please answer me.
Answer: a Snowman

Monday, 24 February 2014

Silly Questions - Page 4

If a king is gay and marries another guy what is that guy to the royal family?

Why are red buttons always the most important?

How is chess considered a sport?

Why is it when your sleeping it`s called drool but when your awake its called spit?

If a hermaphrodite got sent to a certain gender prison, which one would it get sent to?

If a teacher were to teach a younger grade than they were teaching before, would they be "degraded"?

If you get chemo-therapy do you lose your pubic hairs? Would you die if you didn't pee?

Why does every Abraham Lincoln impersonator sound the same, even though there are no known audio recordings of the man?

How's come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Yet the moment you do anything childish or immature they tell you to grow up.

Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.

When Atheists go to Court, they can't swear on the bible, can they?

If marbles are not made of marble, why are they called marbles?

If you dig a hole through the center of the earth, come out on the other side, and then let go, would you be falling down or floating up?

Could you be a closet claustrophobic?

Could someone be addicted to counseling? If so, how would you treat them?

If ketchup is good on french fries, how come it isn't good on mashed potatoes?

Where do all the daylight savings hours go?

Why doesn't the hair on your arms grow as fast as the hair on your head?

What happens if a black cat walks under a ladder and breaks a mirror?

Why when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a desert island?" no one ever replies, "A BOAT"

Why are elderly people often called "old people" but children are never called "new people"?

How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt?

Why doesn't broccoli come in a can?

Can you slam a revolving door?

How young can you be, but still die of old age?

What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?

Can a cross-eyed teacher control his pupils?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

If winnie the pooh was civilized enough to keep his honey in jars, why did he eat it off his hands? Surely he had spoons?

What happens if you get a paper cut from a Get Well card? Can you read a picture book?

Why does it say "shake well" on ketchup bottles, but not ketchup packets?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism?

Why does it say do not use before work with heavy machinery on the back of childrens tylenol? I mean..really

could we save that many people by getting those darn five year-olds with headcolds off those forklifts!

If mirrors need light to work, what happens if you put night vision goggles on in the dark and look at a mirror?

if you're on an American airline, and you land in Canada and stay on the plane, is the drinking age still 21 or does it change to 19?

What happens if every team in the NFL goes 8-8?

What shape is the sky?

If a Jewish person goes to court and is asked to put their right hand on the Bible, do they use a Torah instead?

Why is it written "May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts" on peanut butter jars. Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves?

If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking?

What is a chickpea if it is neither a chick nor a pea?

Why is it called the People's Republic Of China when China's not a republic?

If you have a gun and you ask, "can I ask you a question?" and they say "fire away" should you shoot them?

Thursday, 20 February 2014

Sarcastic Quotes – Page 2

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

What have you been reading, the Gospel According to St. B*****d?

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

He never slows down to think; it's too painful to spend times with his own thoughts.

I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.

Do unto yourself as your neighbours do unto themselves and look pleasant.

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

Why was I born with such contemporaries?

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

I'm not so good with the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Doctor Doctor jokes - Page 1

Doctor, Doctor

I can't stop stealing things
Take these pills for a week; if that doesn't work I'll have a color TV!

Doctor, Doctor

What can I do? I think I'm a pair of curtains?
Pull yourself together man!

Doctor, Doctor

I think I'm a bridge?
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Doctor, Doctor

I think I'm god?
How did that start?
In the beginning there was darkness......

Doctor, Doctor

Every bone in my body aches!
Just be glad you aren't a herring!

Doctor, Doctor

Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!

Doctor, Doctor

I think I've broken my neck?
Don't worry - keep your chin up!

Doctor Doctor

My daughter has just swallowed my pen - what shall I do?
Use a pencil!

Doctor Doctor

What can I do? Everyone thinks I'm a liar?
I find that very hard to believe!

Doctor, Doctor

I feel like a pack of cards?
I'll deal with you later!

Doctor, Doctor

You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor

I feel like a spoon?
Still still and don't stir!

Tuesday, 18 February 2014

Puns - Page 5

Short-order cooks in busy restaurants call themselves 'pressure cookers'.

Making up puns about the finest soil is the loess form of humor.

I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn't have much of a plot.

The weigh-in at the Sumo wrestling tournament was a large scale effort.

The bridegroom got to the church when he was supposed to. He was at the rite place at the rite time.

The race dogs got a bad case of the fleas - they had to be scratched.

A relief map shows where the restrooms are.

I was kicked out of math class for one too many infractions.

To disparage the wind is disgusting.

Reading music makes me crotchety

I didn't have the faintest idea as to why I passed out.

My mate swallowed a cordless vacuum cleaner, they took him to hospital and he is picking up nicely.  
There was a sale at the fish market today. I went to see what was the catch.

I told my wife I thought the electrician had said he'd be over by noon, unless I got my wires crossed.   
The patient decided against an organ transplant. Instead, he changed his mind.

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I've been carrying. I'm ex-static!

When asked whether or not I was bilingual, I was about to say I knew sign language, but I figured it was sort of a mute point.
When the head of the consulting team suggested that the canal around the castle be filled up with cement, he was demoted.

The new smoking cessation drug is expensive, and it's shrinking city coffers.

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.

Monday, 17 February 2014

Funny Quotes - Page 5

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific

I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.

Dear Monday: I want to break up. I am seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sorry. It’s not me — it’s you.

Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he’ll starve to death while praying for a fish.

Life is a hell of a thing to happen to a person.

I have as much authority as the Pope, i just don’t have as many people who believe it.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and paid just enough money not to quit.

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me

Some days you’re the dog , some days you’re the hydrant

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less

Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

When I pose a hypothetical question, it means that I've done something extremely stupid and got myself into big trouble and am trying to get ideas on how to get out of the situation without admitting that I’m in that situation.

likes to use words, irregardless of their existence.

I should have studied to be a counselor or psychiatrist of some sort. It’d be nice to get paid to pretend I give a crap.

Today, I’ll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.

Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.

A fun thing to do in the checkout line is to take one thing from the cart in front of you and see if they notice. Last week I took a baby.

As you’re reading this, you should say to yourself, “Why am I talking to myself?”

If you see a plate of bacon running down the street screaming “HELP ME!” please return it to me. It’s totally overreacting.

Saturday, 15 February 2014

Hard Riddles - Page 2

I was born in the 18th century, yet still live on today. Appearing on TV when I have something to say. Called everything from "honest" to a dirty rotten "crook", I used to wear a wig, but have had several looks. I've always had a party, but never disturb the neighbors. I've been shot at many times - major stories for the papers. What am I?
Answer: The office of the President of the United States

No head has he but he wears a hat. No feet has he but he stands up straight. On him perhaps a fairy sat, weaving a spell one evening late!
Answer: A toadstool

The sun bakes them, the hand breaks them, the foot treads on them, and the mouth tastes them. What are they?
Answer: Grapes

What's long and thin, covered in skin; red in parts, and put in tarts?
Answer: Rhubarb

What can touch someone once and last them a lifetime?
Answer: Love

What demands an answer, but asks no question?
Answer: A telephone

The higher I climb, the hotter I engage, I can not escape my crystal cage.
Answer: A thermometer

Feed me and I live, give me a drink and I die. What am I?
Answer: Fire

What is worse than the Devil and better than God? Dead people eat it always, live people who eat it die slowly.
Answer: Nothing

A word I know, six letters it contains. Subtract just one, and twelve is what remains.
Answer: The word 'dozens'. Take away the 's', and you have the word 'dozen', which is twelve.

Friday, 14 February 2014

Not so easy riddles - Page 2

Power enough to smash ships and crush roofs. Yet it still must fear the sun. What is it?
Answer: Ice

All about the house, with his lady he dances. Yet he always works, and never romances. What is he?
Answer: A broom

Mountains will crumble and temples will fall, and no man can survive its endless call. What is it?
Answer: Time

A very pretty thing am I, fluttering in the pale-blue sky. Delicate, fragile on the wing, indeed I am a pretty thing.
Answer: A butterfly

To cross the water I'm the way, for water I'm above. I touch it not and, truth to say, I neither swim nor move.
Answer: A bridge

A father's child, a mother's child, yet no one's son.
Answer: Girl or Daughter

I have no voice and yet I speak to you, I tell of all things in the world that people do. I have leaves, but I am not a tree, I have pages, but I am not a bride or royalty. I have a spine and hinges, but I am not a man or a door, I have told you all, I cannot tell you more.
Answer: A book

What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a bed but never sleeps, has a head but never weeps?
Answer: A river

There is an ancient invention still used in some parts of the world today that allows people to see through walls. What is it?
Answer: A window

What has roots as nobody sees, is taller than trees. Up, up it goes, and yet never grows. What is it?
Answer: A mountain

Thursday, 13 February 2014

Easy Riddles - Page 2

Nearly bright as the sun, sometimes dark as space. Like a pearl on black velvet, with diamonds twinkling in a case. What am I?
Answer: The moon

A little house full of meat, no door to go in and eat. What am I?
Answer: A nut

Riddle me, riddle me, what is that, over the head and under the hat?
Answer: Hair

A skin have I, more eyes than one. I can be very nice when I am done. What am I?
Answer: A potato

What is the moon worth?
Answer: A dollar (because it has four quarters)

Why is a pencil like a riddle?
Answer: It's no good without a point

I reach for the sky, but clutch to the ground; sometimes I leave, but I am always around. What am I?
Answer: A tree

What is pronounced like one letter, written with three letters, and belongs to all animals?
Answer: EYE

What is the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space; the beginning of every end, and the end of every race?
Answer: The letter E

What goes up when the rain comes down?
Answer: An umbrella

Wednesday, 12 February 2014

Why did the chicken cross the road - Page 7

John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain!

William Shakespeare: I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.

Sisyphus: Was it pushing a rock, too?

Socrates: To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!

Margaret Thatcher: There was no alternative.

Dylan Thomas: To not go (sic) gentle into that good night.

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately...and suck all the marrow out of life.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

George Washington: Actually it crossed the Delaware with me back in 1776. But most history books don't reveal that I bunked with a birdie during the duration.

Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.

Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.

William Wordsworth: To have something to recollect in tranquility.

Molly Yard: It was a hen!

Henny Youngman: Take this chicken...please.

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

Oliver Stone: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

Tuesday, 11 February 2014

Silly Jokes – Page 4

How did the telephones get married?
In a double ring ceremony!

What is a polygon?
A dead parrot!

Dad, there is a man at the door collecting for the new swimming pool.
Give him a glass of water!

Eat up your spinach, it'll put color in your cheeks.
But I don't want green cheeks!

"Quick, take the wheel", said the nervous driver.
"Because there is a tree coming straight for us!"

Where does success come before work?
In the dictionary!

Did you hear about the fool you keeps going around saying "no"?
No. Oh, so it's you!

I don't think these photographs you've taken do me justice. You don't want justice - you want mercy!

What steps would you take if a madman came rushing at you with a knife?
Great big ones!

Who was the world's greatest thief?
Atlas, because he held up the whole world!

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars!

If two's company and three a crowd, what are four and five?

What is it that even the most careful person overlooks?
His nose!

Mr Smith: I hate to tell you, but your wife just fell down the wishing well.
Mr Brown: It works!

Monday, 10 February 2014

Facts you really should know

A king size water-bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling Fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) will not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it is too late.

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

DVD's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Sunday, 9 February 2014

Diet cheats

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by TEXAS D'LITES distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no FAT content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients.

Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.
Note:Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicle's.

Saturday, 8 February 2014

Grans Cures

Did You Know that drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately-- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? ! Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore throat! ? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-- even though the product was never been advertised for this use.

Honey remedy for skin blemishes ... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus. Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer ... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover ...just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue- All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's tomato paste boil cure ...cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters... To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine ...a powerful antiseptic.

Vinegar to heal bruises ... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.

Kills fleas instantly...Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Good-bye fleas.

Rainy day cure for dog odor ...Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down! the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.

Eliminate ear mites ...All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear...Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and! accelerates healing.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief... It's not for breakfast any more! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.