Things not to say on a date.

And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.

Crap, did I just fall asleep?

Don’t look now, but I’m 98.9 percent sure that my parole officer just walked in. S@!*. Make that 99.9 percent.

Dude, you’ve got a HUGE piece of lettuce in your teeth. Here, use my fork to dig that sucker out.

Give me your cellphone so I can take a picture of myself and save it into your contacts as ‘SOULMATE.’

Has anyone ever told you that you bear a startling resemblance to Danny DeVito?

Hey, gimme your breadstick. I wanna chuck it at that baby over there.

How would you feel about loaning me 20 grand?

How would you feel about some aggressive footsie action right about now? That was a rhetorical question.

I have a confession to make…

I’m sorry, are you actually saying that you think vampires aren’t REAL?!? Wow. Just, wow.

Man, I guess those 3 burritos were a bad idea. Should we move this date to the bathroom?

My dad has a suit just like that.

My ex, may he rot in hell forever…

My friends call me Ted. But you can call me Mr. Sykowski. Let’s keep things formal for now.

My mom’s psychic is prettttty sure we’re gonna get married.

Now that I think of it, you remind me a lot of my dog. He has rabies. And he’s dangerously overweight.

So then I said, ‘How DARE you brush up against my jacket?!?’ And I stabbed him in the face.

Something smells funny.

Tell me honestly: How terrible do I smell right now?

That man is hot. Look at him.

Wait, so you don’t Elephantitis? Really? I could’ve sworn…

Well, I wouldn’t say that I was wrongfully imprisoned. But the imprisoned part, sure. That sounds accurate.

Where's the Tylenol?

Wow, that’s your 7th glass of water. Slow your roll, Camel Man."

Yeah, you like my watch? I’ll sell it to you for sixty bucks.

You don’t mind if I put my parents on speakerphone, do you? Here, say 'hi' to my dad.

You're going to order that? Seriously?

You're how old?

You're wearing that?