Advancement opportunity: Crap job
Entry level: Really crap job
No experience necessary: The mother of all crap jobs
Administrative assistant: Crap job with a title
Upbeat personality: Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug and alcohol rehab benefit within the first year
Word processing skills essential: There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future
Public relations: Receptionist
Pleasant telephone manner: Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME
Salary range $24,000 to $32,000: The salary is $24,000
Will train: Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem
Women and minorities encouraged to apply: White males need not waste the stamp
Tons of variety: We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and rolled them into one.
Top-notch communication skills: Telemarketing
Beautiful offices in attractive location: Brand new tacky, windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting
Dedicated: You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement
Salary commensurate: We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like
Salary negotiable: We'll take the lowest bidder
Competitive salary: We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more
Competitive starting salary: Ten cents above minimum wage
Pleasant atmosphere: A staff of pod people
Self-starter: Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means
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