Tuesday, 3 February 2015

Job Adverts - What they really mean

Advancement opportunity: Crap job

Entry level: Really crap job

No experience necessary: The mother of all crap jobs

Administrative assistant: Crap job with a title

Upbeat personality: Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug and alcohol rehab benefit within the first year

Word processing skills essential: There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future

Public relations: Receptionist

Pleasant telephone manner: Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME

Salary range $24,000 to $32,000: The salary is $24,000

Will train: Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem

Women and minorities encouraged to apply: White males need not waste the stamp

Tons of variety: We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and rolled them into one.

Top-notch communication skills: Telemarketing

Beautiful offices in attractive location: Brand new tacky, windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting

Dedicated: You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement

Salary commensurate: We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like

Salary negotiable: We'll take the lowest bidder

Competitive salary: We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more

Competitive starting salary: Ten cents above minimum wage

Pleasant atmosphere: A staff of pod people

Self-starter: Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means