Friday, 7 March 2014

Crazy facts

  If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

  The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

  A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes!

  Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

  Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

  On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

  The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)

  You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

  Americans (as a group) on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

  Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

  You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a Poisonous spider.

  Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

  In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies,Including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
  A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

  The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

  Polar bears are left handed.

  The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for the animal having the most taste buds.

  The flea can jump 350 times its body length, It's like a human Jumping the length of a football field.

  A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.

  The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.

  Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to come back as a Pig)

  Butterflies taste with their feet.

  Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

  A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

  An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

  Seastars (a.k.a Starfish) don't have brains.

Thursday, 6 March 2014

Doctor Doctor jokes - page 3

Doctor doctor, I feel like a carrot

Don't get yourself in a stew

Doctor doctor, I've swallowed my pocket money

Take this and we'll see if there's any change in the morning

Doctor doctor, what happened to that man who fell into the circular saw and had the whole left side of his body cut away?

He's all right now.

Doctor doctor, I'm at death's door!

don't worry, we'll soon pull you through

Doctor doctor, my spouse is so ill, is there no hope?

it depends what you are hoping for

Doctor doctor, Help me now! I'm getting shorter and shorter!

Just wait there and be a little patient

Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of wigwams

the problem is, you've become too tense

Doctor, doctor I’m addicted to brake fluid

Nonsense man, you can stop anytime

Doctor doctor, I couldn't drink my medicine after my bath like you told me

why not?
well after I've drunk my bath I haven't got room for the medicine

Doctor doctor, every time I drink a cup of hot chocolate I get a stabbing pain in the eye

Try taking the spoon out first

Doctor, doctor I feel like a sheep.

oh that's very baaaaaaaad!

Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains

pull yourselves together man

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Puns – Page 6

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

I quit gymnastics because I was tired of hanging around the bars.

The coffee tasted like mud because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.

Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.

My student was late for class, claiming he was in the washroom. I think he was stalling.

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

He said I was average - but he was just being mean.

I didn't have the faintest idea as to why I passed out.

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I've been carrying. I'm ex-static!

Green grocers earn a meagre celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, take a leek, turnip the covers endive into bed.

I went to the store to buy some soup but they were out of stock.

The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands. 

When the head of the consulting team suggested that the canal around the castle be filled up with cement, he was demoted.

She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.

The indecisive rower couldn't choose either oar.

I'm inclined to be laid back.

A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing. 

The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Tuesday, 4 March 2014

Funny Quotes - Page 7

Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and you will learn a lot today.

If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?

Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!

I couldn't care less about apathy.

Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

Smokers are just like everybody else. Just not as long.

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

He's a graduate of The Uncle Fester and Keith Moon School of hair styling.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Monday, 3 March 2014

Flying Quotes

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, increase your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to appeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

Saturday, 1 March 2014

True Facts - Page 1

Gillette spent $1,000,000 to place razor samples in the welcome bags handed out at the Democratic National Convention, only to have them confiscated as they were considered a threat. This caused huge delays at all security checkpoints.

Even today, 90% of the continental United States is still open space or farmland.

Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.

Dogs have two sets of teeth, just like humans. They first have 30 "puppy" teeth, then 42 adult teeth.

The California Department of Motor Vehicles has issued six driver's licenses to six different people named Jesus Christ.

Only 6% of the autographs in circulation from members of the Beatles are estimated to be real.

90% of Canada's 31,000,000 citizens live within 100 miles of the U.S. border.

The praying mantis is the only insect that can turn its head.

Beethoven dipped his head in cold water before he composed.

Two 1903 paintings recently sold at auction for $590,000 - the paintings were in the famous "Dogs Playing Poker" series.

Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.

About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30.

Mel Gibson has personally earned almost $400,000,000 from his movie "The Passion of the Christ".

Author Hunter S. Thompson, who committed suicide recently, wanted to be cremated and his ashes to be shot out of a cannon on his ranch.

A chef's hat is shaped the way it is for a reason: its shape allows air to circulate around the scalp, keeping the head cool in a hot kitchen.

CBS's fine for Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" in the 2004 Super Bowl show was $550,000. This could be paid with only 7.5 seconds of commercial time during the same Super Bowl telecast.

The Weddell seal can travel underwater for seven miles without surfacing for air.

The largest McDonald's is in Beijing, China - measuring 28,000 square feet. It has twenty nine cash registers.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

Married men change their underwear twice as often as single men.

The Chicago Cubs are suing former Hartford Courant newspaper carrier Mark Guthrie to get back $301,000 in pay that was intended to go to a Cubs pitcher with the same name. The Tribune Company owns both the Hartford Courant and the Chicago Cubs.

In England, in the 1880's, "Pants" was considered a dirty word.

Five years ago, 60% of all retail purchases were made with cash or check. Now it's 50%. By 2010, 39% of purchases will be made by cash or check.

The second Saturday in September is usually a popular time for weddings. Not in 2004, as most couples did not want their anniversaries on September 11.

There is a company that will (for $14,000) take your ashes, compress them into a synthetic diamond to be set in jewellery for a loved one.

It's against the law to slam your car door in Switzerland.

The drive-through line on opening day at the McDonald's restaurant in Kuwait City, Kuwait was at times seven miles long.

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28

The chance that you will die on the way to buy your lottery ticket is greater than the chance of you winning the big prize in most lotteries.