Friday, 31 January 2014

Interesting Facts

'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand

And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop do some other body parts to eh??.

The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet.
The words 'racecar,' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.' (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber band last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know more than you did before!!

Thursday, 30 January 2014

Funny Quotes - Page 4

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I saw a beaver film last night; it was the best dam film I've ever seen.

I've never been able to bend the truth; I think it’s a lie ability.

Wear short sleeves and support your right to bare arms!

Do you think there are signs at drug rehabilitation centres that say ‘KEEP OFF THE GRASS’?

If you ever get onto a plane and recognise a friend called Jack, don’t shout ‘Hi Jack!’

I used to eat donuts every single day, but then I got tired of the hole thing.

The healthiest part of a donut is the hole. Unfortunately, you have to eat through the rest of the donut to get there.

How many tech-support people does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but have you tried turning it off and then on again?

‘Dad, can I have another glass of water please? ~ ‘But I've given you 10 already!’ ~ ‘Yes, but the bedroom’s still on fire!’

Son: ‘Dad, can I go to the bathroom?’
Dad: ‘MAY I go to the bathroom?’
Son: ‘But I asked first!’

To err is human; to successfully blame it on someone else shows management potential.

I find falling asleep is so easy I could do it with my eyes closed.

Tractors are magic; I followed one recently that suddenly turned into a field.

I could explain why I have a superiority complex, but I doubt you’d understand.

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

Our generation doesn't knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we’re outside.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

My friend just had a baby. He keeps going on about how he would kill anyone who tried to hurt his child, or he would get run over to save his son. He would even take a bullet for his boy. I said, “Why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?”

As a young child my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out the police call this “Identity Theft”

I read somewhere that when someone is about to quote a bogus fact or statistic that they preface it by saying, “I read somewhere.

“I hate my supervisor. Behind her desk it says. ‘You don’t have to be mad to work her, but it helps. ‘Mind you, she’s written it in her own shit.”

I've just come back from this new restaurant, Wong Fritz. It’s a Chinese German fusion................. Now I’m hungry for power.

“I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.”

I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said I usually respond to texts, check my emails and Facebook.

Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Fed up of the modern age?

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You haven't played patience with real cards in years.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask "Do you fancy going down the pub ?" and they reply "Yeah, give me 5 minutes".

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.

Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

You consider The Postal Service painfully slow or call it "snail mail".

Your idea of being organised is multiple colored post-it notes.

You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.

You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.

You learn about your redundancy on the 9 o'clock news.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes.

Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.

It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.

You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.

Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.

You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.

Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours powers up.

Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.

You're already late on the assignment you just got.

There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.

Your boss's favourite lines are: When you've got a few minutes... Could you fit this in?... In your spare time... I know you're busy but... I have an opportunity for you...

Holiday is something you roll over to next year.

Every week another brown collection envelope comes round because someone you didn't know had started is leaving.

You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving' collection.

Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desk.

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

You read this entire list, kept nodding and smiling.

Tuesday, 28 January 2014

Why did the chicken cross the road - Page 6

Leda: Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken? He's into that kind of thing, you know.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it(censored)wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

Gottfried von Leibniz: In this best possible world, the road was made for it to cross.

Groucho Marx: Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.

Karl Marx: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.

Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads.

John Milton: To justify the ways of God to men.

Alfred E. Neumann: What? Me worry?

Sir Isaac Newton: 1. Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. 2. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Thomas Paine: Out of common sense.

Michael Palin: Nobody expects the banished inky chicken!

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on the other side of the road.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

Georg Friedrich Riemann: The answer appears in Dirichlet's lectures.

Monday, 27 January 2014

Thoughts for 25-35 year old (page 1)

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and I instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

Sunday, 26 January 2014

Puns - Page 3

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.

Weight loss mantra? Fat chants!

A relief map shows where the restrooms are.

The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

I usually take steps to avoid elevators

Pencil sharpeners have a tough life - they live off tips.

I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

You want to clone yourself? Now wouldn't that be just like you!

A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.

The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

I'm not a big fan of archery. It has too many drawbacks.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Don't trust people that do acupuncture, they're back stabbers.

Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

Saturday, 25 January 2014

Silly Questions - Page 3

What's the difference between a novel and a book?

How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?

If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?

If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?

If you have a cold hot pocket, is it just a pocket?

If humans evolved from monkey's/apes, why are they still here?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is the show called unsolved mysteries? if they were solved they wouldn't be mysteries.

Do penguins have knees?

Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really its coming on?

How come people tell you not to stand in front of an emergency exit when if there was an emergency surely you would run through it?

Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?

In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?

Why are both of Spongebob's parents round like sea sponges while he is square like a kitchen sponge?

Does a two-humped camel store more water than a one-humped camel?

If you pamper a cow, do you get spoiled milk?

Why is it that if someone yells "duck" they are helping you, but if they yell "chicken" they are insulting you?

If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it? If they have angel food cake on earth, do they have people food cake in heaven?

If you fart and burp at the same time, would it make a vacuum in your tummy?

Do they call a fortune teller who cant see a "blind seer"?

Why do you put two cents in when its only a penny for your thoughts?

Can you cry underwater?

You know the signs on restaurant doors? No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service? what if someone goes in with No Pants?

Would the restaurant still have to serve them?

If an African elephant comes to America, is it an African-American elephant?

Why doesn't flavored gum turn your mouth that color?

If a doctor suddenly died while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?

Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull our little ones to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?

Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?

If the Wicked Witch of the West melts in water... how did she ever bathe?

If bald people work as chefs in a restaurant,do they have to wear hairnets?

Why do sleeping pills have warning labels that state :'Caution: May Cause Drowsiness?

Do nudists have pin-ups of people with clothes on?

How can Darth Vader breathe and talk at the same time?

If there's a wheelchair-bound comedian, is it still called "stand-up"?

When the French swear do they say pardon my English?

Do people who use sign language see little hands in their head when they think about what somebody said, or do they hear the words in their head?

How did Walt Disney figure out how to make people pay to stand in lines all day?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they call someone "late" if they died early?

Why are the adjectives 'fast as' and 'slow as' often used in conjunction with hell, is hell slow or fast?

If the serving size on a can of soda is one can, then why is the serving size on the little can one can, too? Wouldn't the little cans be 2 cans?

Friday, 24 January 2014

Love Quotes – Page 2

When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew

Being with you never felt wrong. It's the one thing I did right. You're the one thing I did right

The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it

A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved

Every time you smile, I smile, and every time you shine, I'll shine for you.

Someday you'll find someone special again. People who've been in love once usually do. It's in their nature

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread

The fate of your heart is your choice and no one else gets a vote

The great tragedy of life is not that men perish, but that they cease to love

If you can capture a woman's imagination, then you will have her. But imagination is a strange creature. It needs time and distance to function properly

Don't cry over someone who wouldn't cry over you

You are the one girl that made me risk everything for a future worth having

Romance is thinking about your significant other, when you are supposed to be thinking about something else

Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back, a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country.

When you love someone you let them take care of you

Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time

I guess that’s just part of loving people: You have to give things up. Sometimes you even have to give them up

When you love someone, you say their name different. Like it's safe inside your mouth

Thursday, 23 January 2014

10 reasons to go to work NAKED

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives 'bad hair day' a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4. 'I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants.'

3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

1. Your boss will never say, 'I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!' ever again.

Wednesday, 22 January 2014

Walks into a bar – Page 1

Two women walk into a bar - you would have thought one of them would have spotted it.

Two owls playing a game of pool - one touches a ball with his feather - the other says "Two hits" the other says "Two hits to who" !

Two men were fighting at the bar. One threw a prawn cocktail. “And that’s just for starters", he said.

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the barman for a beer. ‘I can’t serve you,’ says the barman. ‘You’re bard!’

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. Bartender says "Those horse-face jokes are mean and insensitive. What'll you have?"

Man, to barman, ‘Do you serve women in this place?’ Barman, ‘No. You have to bring your own.’

Infinity mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders one beer. The second orders half of a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer. The bartender rolls his eyes and pours two beers and says, “Here, you guys work it out.” 

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, ‘Can I get you a drink?’ Descartes replies, ‘I think not’…and disappears.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

An inkjet cartridge walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Are you sure you don't need a refill?"

An infectious disease walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases here." And the infectious disease says, "Well you're not a very good host."

An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre – so the barman gives her one.

A white horse walked into a bar, the barman said "we have a drink named after you" to which the horse replied what Kevin?

A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve superconductors here." The superconductor leaves without putting up any resistance. 

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, ‘I’d like a beer and a mop…’

A priest, a rabbi, and a vicar walk into a pub. The barman says, ‘Is this some kind of joke?’

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?" 

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter and says to the barman, ‘Have you seen my brother?’ The barman says, ‘I don’t know. What does he look like?’

A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve neutrinos in here." The neutrino says "Naw, I was just passing through." 

A man walks into a university bar and asks the bar man "When do you finish serving?" The bar man replies, “when I get to the "g"

A man walks into a bar with a toad on his head. The bartender says "where did you get that?" The toad replied "it started out as a wart on my stomach".

A man walks into a bar with a lump of tarmac under his arm. ‘What would you like?’ asks the barman. The man replies, ‘A pint of beer and one for the road.’

a man walks into a bar with a bag on his shoulder he sits down and puts the bag on the floor, the barman says sorry you can’t leave that lying there, the man replies it’s not a lion it’s a bag

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Funny Quotes - Page 3

Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice

Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone

From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere

The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature

Because you can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they're not paying attention

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early

Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it

Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face

Black holes are where God divided by zero

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone

Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made

I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness

Monday, 20 January 2014

Knock Knock - Page 1

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange who?
Orange you going to let me in?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Anee one you like!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Iva who?
I've a sore hand from knocking!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle who?
Needle little money for the movies.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.

Sunday, 19 January 2014

Silly Jokes - Page 2

What do Scotsmen eat?

What is heavier, a full moon or a half moon?
The half moon as the full moon is lighter!

What town in England makes terrible sandwiches?

What would you call theft in Peking?
A Chinese takeaway!

What animals are on legal documents?

What did you get for christmas?
A mouth organ, its the best present I've ever had.
My mum gives me extra pocket money every week not to play it!

Where do tadpoles change?
In a croakroom!

What do golfers use in China?
China tees!

What kind of hair do oceans have?

Why did the child study in the aeroplane?
He wanted a higher education!

In the park this morning I was surrounded by Lions!

Lions, in the Park?
Well, dandelions!

What do you mean by telling everyone that I'm an idiot?
I'm sorry, I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret!

Why are goldfish red?
The water turns them rusty!

What is the best hand to write with?
Neither - it's best to write with a pen!

Saturday, 18 January 2014

Things not to say on a date.

And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.

Crap, did I just fall asleep?

Don’t look now, but I’m 98.9 percent sure that my parole officer just walked in. S@!*. Make that 99.9 percent.

Dude, you’ve got a HUGE piece of lettuce in your teeth. Here, use my fork to dig that sucker out.

Give me your cellphone so I can take a picture of myself and save it into your contacts as ‘SOULMATE.’

Has anyone ever told you that you bear a startling resemblance to Danny DeVito?

Hey, gimme your breadstick. I wanna chuck it at that baby over there.

How would you feel about loaning me 20 grand?

How would you feel about some aggressive footsie action right about now? That was a rhetorical question.

I have a confession to make…

I’m sorry, are you actually saying that you think vampires aren’t REAL?!? Wow. Just, wow.

Man, I guess those 3 burritos were a bad idea. Should we move this date to the bathroom?

My dad has a suit just like that.

My ex, may he rot in hell forever…

My friends call me Ted. But you can call me Mr. Sykowski. Let’s keep things formal for now.

My mom’s psychic is prettttty sure we’re gonna get married.

Now that I think of it, you remind me a lot of my dog. He has rabies. And he’s dangerously overweight.

So then I said, ‘How DARE you brush up against my jacket?!?’ And I stabbed him in the face.

Something smells funny.

Tell me honestly: How terrible do I smell right now?

That man is hot. Look at him.

Wait, so you don’t Elephantitis? Really? I could’ve sworn…

Well, I wouldn’t say that I was wrongfully imprisoned. But the imprisoned part, sure. That sounds accurate.

Where's the Tylenol?

Wow, that’s your 7th glass of water. Slow your roll, Camel Man."

Yeah, you like my watch? I’ll sell it to you for sixty bucks.

You don’t mind if I put my parents on speakerphone, do you? Here, say 'hi' to my dad.

You're going to order that? Seriously?

You're how old?

You're wearing that?

Friday, 17 January 2014

Puns - Page 2

No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.

A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.

The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

My neighbor just got the part for Scrooge in a local performance. I'd love to go see him, but that play scares the Dickens out of me.

Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn't have much of a plot.

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.