Things you never hear a woman say

Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.

Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.

I think hairy butts are really sexy

Hey, get a whiff of that one.

Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpits are just too cute.

This diamond is way to big.

I don't even wanna put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.

Wow, it really is 14 inches!

Does this make my butt look too small?

I'm wrong, you must be right again.

I would give that 5 minutes....

What the doctor really means

1. "There is a lot of that going around."
That's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

2. "Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

3. "Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

4. "We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

5. "Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

6. "Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

7. "I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

8. "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

9. "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

10. "This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

11. "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

12. "This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

13. "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

14. "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank goodness I'm off next week.

Job Adverts - What they really mean

Advancement opportunity: Crap job

Entry level: Really crap job

No experience necessary: The mother of all crap jobs

Administrative assistant: Crap job with a title

Upbeat personality: Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug and alcohol rehab benefit within the first year

Word processing skills essential: There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future

Public relations: Receptionist

Pleasant telephone manner: Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME

Salary range $24,000 to $32,000: The salary is $24,000

Will train: Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem

Women and minorities encouraged to apply: White males need not waste the stamp

Tons of variety: We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and rolled them into one.

Top-notch communication skills: Telemarketing

Beautiful offices in attractive location: Brand new tacky, windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting

Dedicated: You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement

Salary commensurate: We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like

Salary negotiable: We'll take the lowest bidder

Competitive salary: We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more

Competitive starting salary: Ten cents above minimum wage

Pleasant atmosphere: A staff of pod people

Self-starter: Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means