What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I saw a beaver film last night; it was the best dam film I've ever seen.
I've never been able to bend the truth; I think it’s a lie ability.
Wear short sleeves and support your right to bare arms!
Do you think there are signs at drug rehabilitation centres that say ‘KEEP OFF THE GRASS’?
If you ever get onto a plane and recognise a friend called Jack, don’t shout ‘Hi Jack!’
I used to eat donuts every single day, but then I got tired of the hole thing.
The healthiest part of a donut is the hole. Unfortunately, you have to eat through the rest of the donut to get there.
How many tech-support people does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but have you tried turning it off and then on again?
‘Dad, can I have another glass of water please? ~ ‘But I've given you 10 already!’ ~ ‘Yes, but the bedroom’s still on fire!’
Son: ‘Dad, can I go to the bathroom?’
Dad: ‘MAY I go to the bathroom?’
Son: ‘But I asked first!’
To err is human; to successfully blame it on someone else shows management potential.
I find falling asleep is so easy I could do it with my eyes closed.
Tractors are magic; I followed one recently that suddenly turned into a field.
I could explain why I have a superiority complex, but I doubt you’d understand.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Our generation doesn't knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we’re outside.
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
My friend just had a baby. He keeps going on about how he would kill anyone who tried to hurt his child, or he would get run over to save his son. He would even take a bullet for his boy. I said, “Why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?”
As a young child my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out the police call this “Identity Theft”
I read somewhere that when someone is about to quote a bogus fact or statistic that they preface it by saying, “I read somewhere.
“I hate my supervisor. Behind her desk it says. ‘You don’t have to be mad to work her, but it helps. ‘Mind you, she’s written it in her own shit.”
I've just come back from this new restaurant, Wong Fritz. It’s a Chinese German fusion................. Now I’m hungry for power.
“I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.”
I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said I usually respond to texts, check my emails and Facebook.
