If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be
twice as funny as you are now.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.
Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two
jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter
saying I approved of it.
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into
nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has
a chance to get its pants on.
They love their hair because they're not smart enough to
love something more interesting.
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled
a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they
won't come to yours.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones
who need advice.
If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and
kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you
have to be asleep to believe it.
What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys?
I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning
attributes.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees
and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
I consider conversations with people to be mind
exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why
I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations
they'd lock us up?"
She's strong! And scary...I bet she's single...I'd put
money on it..
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's
pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead
of bleeding, he sings.
I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they
are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.
You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a
waffle!
If there were an international butt competition, Eric
would win, hands down—or cheeks up.
I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in
Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.
Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they
won't be avoided.
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