Sunday, 15 December 2013

Some wise words

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.I said,"Thyroid problem?"

I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store:"Buy one dog, get one flea..."

Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.