Half the people in the world are below average.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I
can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane.
Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a
whole graveyard!
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was
already taken.
Remember: First you pillage then you burn.
Help Wanted: Telepath; you know where to apply.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
If I got a penny for everyone I've met who is as
beautiful as you, I'd have all the money in the world.
I like my women like I like my coffee. Cold and bitter.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to
catch up.
Do not put statements in the negative form.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a
thousand times the memory.
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
Clones are people two.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
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