Funny Quotes - Page 25

What I actually want to call you is a hell of a lot more unprintable than your name

She says you're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing up.

I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, "At least he's not a complete boob.

I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.

I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that "new car smell" all the time.

To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.

I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.

A banker is a man who will lend you the short sleeve shirt off his back and demand a long sleeve one in return.

On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me.

If my last name were Om, I’d want my first name to be Fred. Fred Om isn’t worth fighting for, but an extra e is.

I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?

To love someone as much as you love yourself, that is the ideal. Especially if that someone is your clone.?

She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up.

I had a missed call. It’s probably the all you can eat buffet calling to say, Come back! We know you can eat just a little bit more.?

I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion.

The funniest people are the saddest once

Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

I'm bad and I'm going to hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in hell than anywhere where you are. 

If we're mad, we're mad in large numbers, at least larger than yours.

You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself.

I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.

I want to be happy and sad at the same time. Yeah, I know it sounds sappy.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound.

I want to write a book on sex. It will be filled with phrases like "Uuuhgh yeeeaaaah," and "Ooooh that's it," and "Whose hands are those?

If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.

As I was driving down Beach Blvd., I saw a building that said, "Self Storage," and I thought, "I wonder if my ego could possibly fit in just one unit.

I love Huey Lewis, but not the News, because the News is too depressing.

I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.

I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It’ll be a great conversation starter.

Sometimes I’ll forget a utensil’s name, and I’ll say, Give me that pointy thing, as I point with my pointy finger.

Sometimes I sit for hours just thinking, wondering what the man upstairs is trying to tell me. Yesterday I reached the conclusion that he was saying, Get me a slinky.

In a brave and noble way, I want to sacrifice my life one day so that two of my clones can live.

I want to be a cowboy, but only long enough to barge into a saloon and bellow, "Who's the yellowbelly that stole my happy trail?

I want to go to all the topless bars in America and try to sell every single one of them a roof.

I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best.

Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.

She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her.?

I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!