I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.
Dear Monday: I want to break up. I am seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sorry. It’s not me — it’s you.
Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he’ll starve to death while praying for a fish.
Life is a hell of a thing to happen to a person.
I have as much authority as the Pope, i just don’t have as many people who believe it.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and paid just enough money not to quit.
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me
Some days you’re the dog , some days you’re the hydrant
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less
Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
When I pose a hypothetical question, it means that I've done something extremely stupid and got myself into big trouble and am trying to get ideas on how to get out of the situation without admitting that I’m in that situation.
likes to use words, irregardless of their existence.
I should have studied to be a counselor or psychiatrist of some sort. It’d be nice to get paid to pretend I give a crap.
Today, I’ll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
A fun thing to do in the checkout line is to take one thing from the cart in front of you and see if they notice. Last week I took a baby.
As you’re reading this, you should say to yourself, “Why am I talking to myself?”
If you see a plate of bacon running down the street screaming “HELP ME!” please return it to me. It’s totally overreacting.
