Sarcastic Quotes – Page 2

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

What have you been reading, the Gospel According to St. B*****d?

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

He never slows down to think; it's too painful to spend times with his own thoughts.

I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.

Do unto yourself as your neighbours do unto themselves and look pleasant.

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

Why was I born with such contemporaries?

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

I'm not so good with the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.