Pilots Gripe Sheets

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. 
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit. 
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield. 
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. 
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. 
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud. 
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. 
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. 
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield. 
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing. 
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny. 
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums. 
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit. 
Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. 
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget