Funny Quotes - Page 24

I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.

I wouldn’t even be the world’s sexiest man if the planet were populated entirely by my clones.?

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome.

There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

I want to scream sometimes, because I hate when people refer to a dead person as the late so and so. I’m sorry to break that bad news, but that person isn’t just late—they’re not even coming!

All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER.

I've had great success being a total idiot. 

I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins.

Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go.

I want to go to sleep in my time machine and wake up eight hours in the future.

My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk.

We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.

The good, the bad, and the ugly basically sums up my sex life. Except that I’ve never had the good.

I love running. I’m not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate.?

I am a slave to your love. Well, more like indentured servant.

Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.

The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her.

The last time somebody pointed out that cowboys ride horses, not tricycles, I shot him. Of course, I waited until another gunslinger gunned him down, but nevertheless, I still shot him.

One thing I often get carried away with is piggyback rides.?

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. 

Pressure is something you feel when you don't know what the hell you're doing.

Sometimes I ask myself, "Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?" And that answer, I'm afraid, is silence

Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a time. And I try to change the world one bucket full of dirt at a time

I want to get the words "Courage" and "Bravery" tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.

I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights.

Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing is a pair of boxing gloves.

When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.

If two heads are better than one, then what about double chins? On that note, I will help myself to seconds.

Sometimes I wish Jim Morrison were still alive, because I'd love to see a concert in which "The Doors" opened up for "The Cars.

The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago.

This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep.

I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser.

I feel like I could be the best, but I’m not going to openly admit that. At least not to any of my clones.

The human body is the best work of art.

Can the sarcasm,' he said. 'Please, I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned.

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.