Musical Jokes

Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door? 
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an All-Pro offensive lineman? 
A: Stage makeup.

Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

Q: Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower end of the scale. 
A: She was known as the deep C diva.

Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape? 
A: The baritone.

Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor? 
A: About 10 pounds.

Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid? 
A: When the other tenors notice.

Ever hear the one about the tenor who was so off-key that even the other tenors could tell?

Q: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: Six. One to do it, and five to say, "It's too high for him."

Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones? 
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."

Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again. Person 2: Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realize it.

Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage? 
A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.

Q: Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons? 
A: I don't want the neighbours to think I'm employing corporal punishment, dear.

Q: How many altos does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They can't get up that high.

Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: None. Get the drummer to do it.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

Q: How many sopranos does it take to sing a solo? 
A: All of them. One to do it, the rest to say they can do it better.

Q: How can you find the trombonist's kid on the playground? 
A: He can't swing and isn't sure what to do with the slide.

Q: How can you find the trumpet player's car on the highway? 
A: By the pizza delivery sign on the roof.

Q: How do you make a trumpet sound like a french horn? 
A: Put your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.

Q: How do you know the stage is level? 
A: The drool comes out both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Q: How do you know a drummer is at the door: 
A: The knocking speeds up.

Q: What is the difference between a violin and a fiddle? 
A: The pay.

Q: What do you give someone who can't play the violin? 
A: A viola.

Q: What is the definition of perfect pitch? 
A: The ability to throw an alto saxophone in the garbage bin without hitting the rim.

Q: What is the range of a trombone? 
A: About 10 yards if you've got a good arm.

Q: What is the difference between a soprano and a piranha? 
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why do viola players keep their cases on the dash of their car? 
A: If someone thinks they're in the mob, they might get some respect.

Q: Why do violin players keep their cases hidden in the trunk of their car? 
A: So no one mistakes them for viola players.

Are you addicted to the internet

You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no Wi-Fi

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.

Your night dreams are in HTML.

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

When looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your pet has its own home page.

You've already visited all the links at Google and you're halfway through Yahoo.

You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don't know the gender of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

You actually try that 123.elm.street address.

You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

Your friends no longer send you e-mail.... they just log on to your IRC channel.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.

You get a tattoo that says, "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher."

You forget what year it is.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.

You turn on your computer and... turn off your significant other.

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer so the two of you can chat.

Job Adverts

"Competitive Salary" 
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Join Our Fast Paced Company" 
We have no time to train you.

"Casual Work Atmosphere" 
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

"Must be Deadline Oriented" 
You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"Some Overtime Required" 
Some time each night, some time each weekend.

"Duties will Vary" 
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an Eye for Detail" 
We have no quality control.

"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" 
You will need to replace three people who just left.

"Problem Solving Skills a Must" 
You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.

"Requires Team Leadership Skills" 
You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

"Good Communication Skills" 
Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.

Should beer be allowed at work?

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If someone does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

Ask yourself WHY

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still ape s?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Fun in the air

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

2. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, alone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was Quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or Were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we Hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I Scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Some more wise words

We always thought we'd look back on our tears and laugh, but we never thought we'd look back on our laughter and cry. 

True friends are never apart, maybe in distance, but not in heart 

True friendship is sitting together in silence and feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had. 

Friends are forever, you might lose them but you'll never forget them  

If I'm in heaven and your not there, I'd carve your name in golden chairs, for all the angels there to see, that I love you and you love me. If your not there on judgement day, I'll know you've gone the other way, so just to prove our love is true, I'd go to hell to be with you 

As we grow older, things must change, but they don't always have to end. Even though it is different now, you will always be my friend 

We laughed until we had to cry, we hugged right down to our last goodbye, we were the best we'll ever be, just for a moment, you and me 

Sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up. 

It's really amazing when two strangers become the best of friends, but its really sad when the best of friends become two strangers. 

Friendship: A language the blind can see and the deaf can hear 

Friends are like poems, you may never fully understand them, but you will always love them. 

You lifted me up when i could not lift up myself, you made me smile when i forgot how to, you were there for me in my times of need and you were there for me when I needed nothing at all. 

At times when I feel all alone I think of you, and my heart heads home. Memories path will have no end, when shared with you, my wonderful friend. 

A friend is someone that has the courage to tell you that you are wrong 

A true friend thinks of you when all others are thinking of themselves. 

If it hurts too much to look back, but you're too scared to look ahead, just look beside you and I'll be there. 

If i could reach up and hold a star for every time i think about you, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand. 

Until you find someone worth dying for, you never really live. 

If I could give you one gift my friend, I would give you the ability to see yourself as others see you, so you would know how very special you are. 

If, out of time, I could pick one moment and keep it shining, always new, of all the days that I have lived, I'd pick the moment I met you. 

A friend is someone who helps you when your down, and if they can't, they lay down beside you and listen 

I'll remember the things I did for a while, but I'll remember the person I did them with forever. 

Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile, so when you are lonely remember it's true, somewhere someone is thinking of you 

A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down. 

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. 

Funny Quotes - Page 24

I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.

I wouldn’t even be the world’s sexiest man if the planet were populated entirely by my clones.?

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome.

There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

I want to scream sometimes, because I hate when people refer to a dead person as the late so and so. I’m sorry to break that bad news, but that person isn’t just late—they’re not even coming!

All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER.

I've had great success being a total idiot. 

I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins.

Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go.

I want to go to sleep in my time machine and wake up eight hours in the future.

My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk.

We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.

The good, the bad, and the ugly basically sums up my sex life. Except that I’ve never had the good.

I love running. I’m not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate.?

I am a slave to your love. Well, more like indentured servant.

Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.

The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her.

The last time somebody pointed out that cowboys ride horses, not tricycles, I shot him. Of course, I waited until another gunslinger gunned him down, but nevertheless, I still shot him.

One thing I often get carried away with is piggyback rides.?

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. 

Pressure is something you feel when you don't know what the hell you're doing.

Sometimes I ask myself, "Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?" And that answer, I'm afraid, is silence

Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a time. And I try to change the world one bucket full of dirt at a time

I want to get the words "Courage" and "Bravery" tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.

I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights.

Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing is a pair of boxing gloves.

When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.

If two heads are better than one, then what about double chins? On that note, I will help myself to seconds.

Sometimes I wish Jim Morrison were still alive, because I'd love to see a concert in which "The Doors" opened up for "The Cars.

The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago.

This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep.

I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser.

I feel like I could be the best, but I’m not going to openly admit that. At least not to any of my clones.

The human body is the best work of art.

Can the sarcasm,' he said. 'Please, I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned.

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

Corporate Oops

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." 
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." 
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." 
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." 
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

Some of life's unanswered questions - Page 1

Why is it that lemon dish soap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?

Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Do vampires get AIDS?

Why are SOFTballs hard?

If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?

Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?

Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?

In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?

If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

What do you call a female daddy long legs?

Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?

Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.

Isn't it kind of ominous to put your tax returns in the mail box and put up the little red flag?

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts?

If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?

If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight parting in his hair?

Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on Christmas lights?

Funny Call

One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer.

I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:

Me: (swallowing) Hello

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.

Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested," but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate." I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That's right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......

Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T: No sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!

AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

AT&T: What?

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?

Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...

AT&T: (click)

Some Rules of Life

Rule 1: Life is not fair, get used to it.

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will not make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure or belong to a union with a death grip on your parents property.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger-flipping, they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you screw up, it's not your parents' fault so don't whine about your mistakes. Learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills. cleaning your room, and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. So before you save the rain forest from the bloodsucking parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades, they'll give you,as many times as you want to get the right answer. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off, and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Rule 12: Living fast and dying young is romantic-only until you see one of your peers at room temperature.

Police Quotes

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos.

16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."

15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Kitchen Hints, Or Not

(A) Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!

(B) To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.

(C) When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!

(D) If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'

If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'

(E) Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Celery? Never heard of it!

(F) Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.

(G) Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!

(H) If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

(I) Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!!