Tuesday, 13 August 2013

Office Rules - Page 1

Rule 1. - The Boss is always right.

Rule 2. - If the Boss is wrong, see rule 1.

My reality check bounced.

If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and most days the statue.

Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous'.

When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of the cocktail hour.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

Those who work get more work. Others get pay, perks, and promotions.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work you are supposed to be doing.

Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you are going to do.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.