Saturday, 17 August 2013

Funny Quotes - Page 22

You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.


I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.

I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.

I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.

I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist

The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss.

If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.

When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.

You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!

Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment.

If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public.

I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.

Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called. ?

My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.

I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.

She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse "I love you" with "May I take your order?

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, Thanks for being a fan. Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.

I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.

The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.?

You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to shoot it down.

The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to pour all over you.

From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.

A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase hurry up and wait.