You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
He is alive, but only in the sense that he can't be legally buried.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh
birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
I do wish I could tell you my age but it's impossible. It keeps changing all the time.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your
children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt.
I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
The secret of longevity is to keep breathing.
At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the
obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
At my age flowers scare me.
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