Blokes Quotes

1. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

2. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

3. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

4. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

5. Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

6. What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

7. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Grafton Street and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

8. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

9. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her." Dad: "That happens in every country, son!"

10. A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: WIFE WANTED. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

11. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

12. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

13. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

14. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

15. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

16. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

17. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!"

18. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

Funny One Liners - Page 5

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

               

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

               

If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

               

Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

               

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

               

Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

               

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Funny Product Labels

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Frito's - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. 

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST. 

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

Office Rules - Page 2

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it...

In order to get a promotion, you need not necessarily know your job.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Everyone is someone else's weirdo.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
Ph.D. stands for "Pull Him Down". The more intelligent a person, the more hardworking a person, the more committed a person; the more number of persons are engaged in pulling that person down.

If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers' hell.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Riddles - Page 6

Q: What is the last thing you take off before bed?

A: Your feet off the floor.

Q: A lawyer, a plumber and a hat maker were walking down the street. Who had the biggest hat?

A: The one with the biggest head.

Q: What kind of room has no doors or windows?

A: A mushroom.

Q: I have keys but no locks. I have space but no room. You can enter but can’t go outside. What am I?

A: A Keyboard

Q: What is next in this sequence: JFMAMJJASON_ ?

A: The letter D. The sequence contains the first letter of each month.

Q: A man was cleaning the windows of a 25 story building. He slipped and fell off the ladder, but wasn’t hurt. How did he do it?

A: He fell off the 2nd step.

Q: What is the center of Gravity?

A: The letter V.

Q: One night, a butcher, a baker and a candlestick maker go to a hotel. When they get their bill, however, it’s for four people. Who’s the fourth person?

A: One night can also mean one knight. That makes four: one knight, a butcher, a baker and a candlestick maker!

Q: What instrument can you hear but never see?

A: Your voice! You can sing with your voice like an instrument and hear it, but no one can see it!

Can You Beat The Test

Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)


First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?


Second Question: 

If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?

You're not very good at this, are you?


Third Question: 

Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only . Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 . Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 . Now add 10 . What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.....

Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it?

Maybe you'll get the last question right.... Maybe.


Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!


Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

He just has to open his mouth and ask... It's really very simple.

Courtroom Questions

"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

"Were you alone or by yourself?"

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

"Did he kill you?"

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A: I have been since early childhood.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Some Grammar Tips - Page 2

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Don't never use a double negative.

capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

A writer must not shift your point of view.

And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

Don't overuse exclamation marks!!

Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.

Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

Always pick on the correct idiom.

The adverb always follows the verb.

Avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.

Funny Bumper Stickers - Page 5

Someday your prince will come. Mine got lost took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom. 

Who put a stop payment on my reality check?

I Wish I Was Barbie. That Bitch has EVERYTHING.

Life is too complicated in the morning.

I'm not really a driver I just play one on TV.

Boy bands. The spawn of Satan.

In God we trust; all others must pay cash.

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Life is a lesson you'll learn it when you're through.

There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.

Have a nice day... somewhere else.

I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha 

Anything Free Is Worth What You Pay For It

My favourite colour is chocolate.

Why did God give beauty queens one more brain cell than horses? So they wouldn't shit on stage.

Adrenalin is my drug of choice.

Don't steal, the government hates competition.

Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer!

Friends don't let friends drive naked!!

I just filled up my car with gasoline. Now it's worth $50.00

Jesus is coming... Look busy.

Kiss me, I’m toxic

I love animals - they taste great!

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it. 

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. 

Don't miss heaven for the world.

Job Security Quiz

The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing Call of Duty at your desk, you...

A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.

B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.

C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.

There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?

A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.

B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.

C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock."

When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?

A. Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.

B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.

C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.

Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?

A. Listen politely, and then apologize.

B. Blame someone else.

C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union."

When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...

A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.

B. Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.

C. Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.

Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?

A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.

B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.

C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.

The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...

A. Clean the office while he supervises.

B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.

C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.

Scoring this test

Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.

Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.

Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.

Wise Words - Page 2

Remember :To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

I love you more today than yesterday! But not as much as tomorrow!

Believe in yourself. If you don't, who will?

What is it really that motivates you, The need to fly or the fear to stop?

I'd rather be hated for the person I am, then loved for the person I am not.

If you want to feel rich, just count all of the things you have that money can't buy.

You teach best what you most need to learn. 

A friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else. 

A hug is worth a thousand words. A friend is worth more.

A friend is a person who knows all about you, and still likes you. 

The best mirror is an old friend. 

My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me. 

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends. 

Best friends are like diamonds, precious and rare, false friends are like leaves, found everywhere. 

A good friend is hard to find, hard to lose, and impossible to forget... 

Yesterday brought the beginning, tomorrow brings the end, but somewhere in the middle we've become best of friends. 

You cannot say you've lost a friend. If a friendship is capable of ending, it is because it never existed. 

How lucky I am to have known someone who was so hard to say goodbye to. 

I don't remember how we happened to meet each other. I don't remember who got along with whom first. All I can remember is all of us together...always. 

A friend is someone who reaches for your hand, but touches your heart. 

I'd like to be the sort of friend that you have been to me. . . I'd like to be the help you've always been glad to be; I'd like to mean as much to you each minute of the day, as you have meant, old friend of mine, to me along the way. 

Resume CV Mistakes - Page 5

Salary requirements: “The higher the better.”

Salary desired: “Starting over due to recent bankruptcies. Need large bonus when starting job.”

Bad traits: “I am very bad about time and don’t mind admitting it. Having to arrive at a certain hour doesn’t make sense to me. What does make sense is that I do the job. Any company that insists upon rigid time schedules will find me a nightmare.”

References: “Bill, Tom, Eric. But I don’t know their phone numbers.”

Work experience: “Two years as a blackjack and baccarat dealer. Strong emphasis on customer relations – a constant challenge considering how much money people lose and how angry they can get.”

Personal: “I limit important relationships to people who want to do what I want them to do.”

Objective: “Student today. Vice president tomarrow.”

Accomplishments: “Brought in a balloon artist to entertain the team.”

Application: Why should an employer hire you? “I bring doughnuts on Friday.”

Achievements: “First runner-up for Miss Fort Worth, 1982.”

Reason for leaving: “Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.”

Special skills: “I’ve got a Ph.D. in human feelings.”

Reason for leaving last job: “Bounty hunting was outlawed in my state.”

Experience: “Any interruption in employment is due to being unemployed.”

Objective: “To become Overlord of the Galaxy!”

Objective: “What I’m looking for in a job: #1) Money #2) Money #3) Money.”

Hobbies: “Mushroom hunting.”

Experience: “Child care provider: Organized activities; prepared lunches and snakes.”

Objective: “My dream job would be as a professional baseball player, but since I can’t do that, I’ll settle on being an accountant.”

Awards: “National record for eating 45 eggs in two minutes.”

Accomplishments: “My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had.”

Funny One Liners - Page 4

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

               

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

               

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

               

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

               

When in doubt, mumble.

               

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

               

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

               

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

               

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

               

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

               

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

               

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

               

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

               

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

               

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

               

I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

               

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

               

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Funny Notes

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely,

Unicorns

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely,

The Titanic

Dear America ,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely,

Canada

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..."

Just saying...

Sincerely,

Google

Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.

Sincerely,

BP

Dear Skin-Coloured Band Aids,

Please make one for every skin colour.

Sincerely,

Black people

Dear Scissors,

I feel your pain… no one wants to run with me either.

Sincerely,

Sarah Palin

Dear Ugly People,

You're welcome.

Sincerely,

Alcohol

Dear World,

Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy, ok?

Sincerely,

The Mayans

Dear iPhone,

Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words.

You piece of shut.

Sincerely,

Every iPhone User

Dear Trash,

At least you get picked up...

Sincerely,

The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,

It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Sincerely,

Elephant

Funny Quotes - Page 22

You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.

I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.

I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.

I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.

I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist

The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss.

If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.

When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.

You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!

Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment.

If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public.

I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.

Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called. ?

My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.

I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.

She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse "I love you" with "May I take your order?

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, Thanks for being a fan. Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.

I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.

The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.?

You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to shoot it down.

The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to pour all over you.

From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.

A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase hurry up and wait.

Celebrity Viruses

Ellen Degeneres virus... Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC

Monica Lewinsky virus... Sucks all the memory out of your computer

Titanic virus... Makes your whole computer go down

Disney virus... Everything in the computer goes Goofy

Disney  virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Mike Tyson virus... Quits after one byte

Lorena Bobbit virus... Turns your hard disk into a 3.5-inch floppy

Tim Allen virus... Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive

Woody Allen virus... Bypasses the motherboard and turns on daughter card

Sharon Stone  virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's  there.

Saddam Hussein virus... Won't let you into any of your programs

Tonya Harding virus... Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons

Joey Buttafuoco virus... Only attacks minor files

Arnold Schwarzenegger  virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

X-files virus... All your Icons start shape-shifting

Ronald Reagan virus... Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus... Deletes your old files