Fighting for peace is like f**king for virginity.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it
wrong...
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal
from many is research.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be
entertaining.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that
mean that one enjoys it?
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of payments.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to
speak and remove all doubt.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but
it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is
where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for
anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few
weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool
and throw them fish?
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can
prove that you don't need it.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted
paychecks.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and
a laxative on the same night.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says
"If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother
going to do?
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be
a vegetarian
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for
me at kick boxing.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with
"Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
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