Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his
level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my
grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that
way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question.
"Yes" is the answer.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more
than standing in a garage makes you a car.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house
before the police.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a
whole relationship.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still
on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him
without an erection, make him a sandwich.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in
public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not
putting it in a fruit salad.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them
to sit down and shut-up.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They
should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a
son-of-a-bitch.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a
good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and
then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
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