Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't like?
I never let schooling interfere with my education.
I can do only one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
One of the lessons of history is that Nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.
The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
My mechanic told me, I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually becomes a cat.
The 100% American is 99% idiot.
Honesty is the best policy -- when there is money in it.
A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
It's a plastic surgeon you need, not a doctor.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
I am not young enough to know everything.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
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