Funny Newspaper Headlines – Page 2

Squad helps dog bite victim

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Iraqi head seeks arms

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Child's death ruins couple's holiday

Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Milk drinkers are turning to powder

Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Queen Mary having bottom scraped

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while

Never withhold herpes from loved one

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

Funny Quotes - Page 17

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor?

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is.

Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.

I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight?

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?

Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

You chatter more than a dolphin by a fish bucket.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

Funny Bumper Stickers – Page 2

You get all this and my dads loaded.

Life's a bitch, and then you die.

This is the rebel base.

It's all a pigment of your hallucination.

I do work for food.

Unless You're A Haemorrhoid, STAY OFF MY ASS!

Never eat more than you can lift.

All men are idiots, and I married their king.

I love my country but fear my government.

Save a tree, eat a beaver.

If it isn't broken...fix it until it is!

Graduate Soon! Millions On Welfare Depend On You

It's a Macintosh; it's got an excuse.

Where There’s A Will, I’m In The Way.

Why be normal?

I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.

Divers get more tail.

I think, therefore I'm dangerous

It takes a Viking to raze a village.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

It takes more faith to believe that I came from a monkey than to believe that I came from God.

I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

If life's an idiot then you must the god.

I press charges

I think your hard drive has a slipped disk.

Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my gun.

Hogwarts Dropout

Despite The Cost Of Living, Have You Noticed How It Remains So Popular?

What part of www.getalife.com do you not understand?

Behind every successful man there is a woman, behind every unsuccessful man there are two.

Silly Jokes – Page 9

What sleeps at the bottom of the sea?

A kipper!

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?

A nervous wreck!

What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?

Seasoned troopers!

Did you hear about the man who had BO on one side only?

He bought Right Guard, but couldn't find any Left Guard!

What has two humps and is found at the North Pole?

A lost camel!

What's the nearest thing to silver?

The Lone Ranger's bottom!

This morning my dad gave me soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast.

I bet you were mad.

Mad? I was foaming at the mouth!

What sort of animal is a slug?

A snail with a housing problem!

What does "Minimum" mean?

A very small mother!

What is an archaeologist?

Someone who's career is in ruins!

What is hail?

Hard boiled rain!

Why are astronauts successful people?

Because they always go up in the world!

What has a bottom at the top?

I don't know?

Your legs!

What is a skeleton?

Bones, with the person off!

What might you eat in Paris?

The trifle tower!

Which Elizabethan sailor could stop bikes?

Sir Francis Brake!

Have you ever seen a man eating tiger?

No, but in the cafe next door I once saw a man eating chicken!

What is the quickest way to double your money?

Fold it in half!

What do you get if you cross a Scottish legend and a bad egg?

The Loch Ness Pongster!

Why did the cowboy die with his boots on?

Because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket!

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe!

Do you have any invisible ink?

Certainly sir. What colour?

How is business going?

I'm looking for a new cashier

But you only had a new one last week

Yes, that's the one I'm looking for!

Where do hamsters come?

Hampsterdam!

Rules for women - Page 1

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 

Anything you wear is fine. Really. 

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. 

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present again! 

Check your oil. 

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. 

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 

Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it. 

Dogs are better than cats. 

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. 

Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. 

Don't make us guess. 

Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.) 

Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat. 

He's never thinking about "The Relationship." 

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 

Rules for men - Page 1

Call.

Don't lie.

Never tape any of her body parts together.

If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.

If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.

The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."

Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"

Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.

Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.

Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.

"Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "Lardass," and "Bitch" are bad.

Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.

A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.

None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.

Her cooking is excellent.

That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.

Dish soap is your friend.

Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.

Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.

Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.

Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"

Two words: clean socks.

Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.

Burping is not sexy.

Puns - Page 15

He had a difficult time bouncing back from his bungee cord accident.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

The proctologist reassured the patient that his condition could be rectified.

The shareholders of a compass manufacturer were concerned that the company wasn't heading in the right direction.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

An undertaker can be one of your best friends, he is always the last one to let you down.

For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.

I met a girl at an internet cafe, but we didn't click.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

I'm not happy with this Origami clothing. It always looks creased no matter how carefully I fold it.

I probably have blind spots, but I don't see them.

The indecisive rower couldn't choose either oar.

My tennis opponent was not happy with my serve. He kept returning it.

The two guys caught drinking battery acid will soon be charged.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.

I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

Moon gazing is mare lunar-sea.

Tennis players don't marry because Love means Nothing to them.

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

Calves take well to bottle feeding because one nipple is as good as an udder.

The coffee tasted like mud because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.

I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.

It's a lengthy article on Japanese Sword Fighters but I can Samurais it for you.

Funny things to amuse yourself - Page 1

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Sing along at the opera.

Pay your electric bill in pennies.

only type in lowercase.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Don’t use any punctuation in office memos

Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Name your dog "Dog."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

Sniffle incessantly.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Dress only in clothes coloured Hunters Orange.

Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa.

Interesting Facts - Page 3

The oldest international cricketer was Wilfrid Rhodes of England. He was 52 when he played his final Test match in 1930. He took a couple of wickets too.

The character of Meg Altman (Jodie Foster's character in Panic Room) was originally played by Nicole Kidman, who left 18 days into filming due to injury.

There are an estimated 1800 languages spoken in Africa. In addition, Africa has a wide variety of sign languages and several whistled languages.

The huge Malaysian 'Arum' is a 'man eating' plant. It is also called 'devil's tongue' or 'krubi' & can't actually eat a human. It mainly eats insects.

The Borrowers' surname was Clock. The family comprised Pod, Homily, Arrietty and Peagreen. The author, Mary Norton, was born in Bedfordshire in 1903.

If you drove every road in the UK you would cover 375,000 km of road. Motorways account for less than 1 per cent of total road length in the UK.

The name Birmingham is derived from the Anglo-Saxon 'Beormund ingas ham'. 'Beormund' is a proper name, 'ingas' means people and 'ham' means farm.

Shane Howarth is the former New Zealand player who switched allegiance & won 19 caps for Wales. In 2000 it was found he was ineligible to play for Wales.

26 of the world's nations start with the letter S. These include Spain, Sri Lanka, Sudan, Saudi Arabia, Senegal, Slovenia, Solomon Islands & Somalia.

"Carrot" is first recorded in English in 1533, and derives from Greek "karoton", related to "kara" meaning "head". It's the UK's 3rd favourite vegetable.

At peak hours in Tokyo, Japan, some subway stations employ part-time platform staff to cram passengers into carriages, filling them to 183% of capacity.

Nitrogen is the gas used in racing tyres. This has less thermal expansion and makes the expansion rate more predictable. It also contains no moisture.

At around 600 feet, natural light can still penetrate the water, but plants do not grow. This area is known as the 'disphotic zone', or twilight zone.

Child actress Shirley Temple received 135,000 presents on her 8th birthday, and by the time she was 10 she was a dollar millionaire.

Old Never Die – Page 3

Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.

Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.              

Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

Old garage men never die, they just retire.

Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.

Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

Funny Quotes – Page 16

We are all prawns in the game of life.

Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?

If the shoe fits, buy it.

Can we ever really know when our philosophy assignment is due?

I'm busier than a one-legged River dancer.

Drink your coffee; there are people in India sleeping.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Here I am! What are your other two wishes?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on.

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

If #2 pencils are the most popular, why are they still #2?

The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I love cats; they taste just like chicken.

I was only looking at your nametag, honest!

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

Funny Bumper Stickers – Page 1

Dyslexics of the world, untie! 

Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship

Flies spread disease, keep yours closed!

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

To err is human; to forgive is not Company Policy.

No prohibiting allowed!

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your kids!

If we outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns.

I'm not your monkey

One more repo and I’ll be debt free!

Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist.

Low riders are for little boys who can't get it up.

If it weren't for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ.

Yes, in fact...my father does own this road.

Do they ever shut up on your planet.

Jesus Is Coming! Look Busy!

I used up all my sick days so I called in dead!

Save Your Breath – You’ll Need It To Blow Up Your Date!

My child is an honour student at the state penitentiary.

I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Was Unfamiliar Territory

Life's a beach, and then you drown.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

Your village called, their idiot is missing.

No matter how bad it gets, It can always get worse. 

Always Remember: You’re Unique, Just Like Everyone Else.

When there's a will, I want to be in it!

If we weren't meant to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat.

Sarcastic Quotes – Page 7

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.

It's never too late to go wrong.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

They worship the ground that he walks away from.

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.

Sarcasm: A literary device for identifying the stupid.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I am easily satisfied with the very best.

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them.

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

Absence makes the heart want to fondle other people.

I wish we were better strangers.

A true friend stabs you in the front.

We have the best government that money can buy.

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

I thank God that you are unique!

Funny Newspaper Headlines – Page 1

Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Child's stool great for use in garden

Cold wave linked to temperatures

Soviet virgin lands short of goal again

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Man is fatally slain

NJ judge to rule on nude beach

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency

Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

William Kelly was fed secretary

War Dims Hope for Peace

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one

Two convicts evade noose, jury hung

Prostitutes appeal to Pope

Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors

Two Soviet ships collide - one dies

Dealers will hear car talk at noon

Eye drops off shelf

Farmer bill dies in house

Interesting Facts - Page 2

Stephen Smith of Bromley holds the world record for not blinking at 2 minutes 42 seconds. No assistance in keeping eyes open is permitted.

A group of meerkats is called a 'mob'. They live in the Kalahari Desert, Africa and typically weigh around 725 grams. They feed on insects and lizards.

Trinidad and Tobago's Dwight Yorke made the 18th most number of tackles in the 2006 World Cup, with 21. Gennaro Gattuso of Italy made the most, with 47.

Darts was officially recognised as a sport on 6 June 2005. The dartboard numbering layout was created by Brian Gamlin in 1896 to stop inaccuracy.

There are more than 7,500 cultivars (varieties) of apples. The world's biggest collection is housed at the National Fruit Collection in Faversham, Kent.

90 percent of hippo attacks on humans occur on land. The hippopotamus kills the most people in Africa but the Cape Buffalo causes the most injuries.

The signal flare 1st used in WW1 was the 'Very Flare', named after its US inventor, E.V. Very, and is still used today. It can be green, red or white.

A drunken man who got trapped in a UK church used the bell to ring out SOS in Morse code. The unnamed man woke up in St Faith's Church in Havant, UK.

'L' plates became compulsory for learner drivers on 1 June 1935. Driving tests became compulsory the year before, costing just 10s (50p) per test.

Other than in England, London stands on the Thames River in Ontario (Canada). New London in Connecticut (USA) also stands on shores of the Thames River.

The average ladybird is 0.8 square cm in size. To cover a typical double bed (25,650 square cm) would require 32,062 well behaved ladybirds.

Produced by Mainframe Entertainment in 2000 & aired on Fox Kids, Action Man for the 1st time had a civilian identity 'Alex Mann', member of Team Xtreme.

The term "no-man's-land" goes back to the 14th century and was used for a vast wasteland outside the north walls of London where criminals were executed.

Silly Jokes – Page 8

Why did the king go to the dentist?

To get his teeth crowned!

"Tell me" said the tourist to the local yokel. "Will this path take me to the main road?"

"No sir!", replied the man. "You'll have to go by yourself!" 

Why are you covered in bruises?

I started to walk through a revolving door and I changed my mind!

How do you prevent a Summer cold?

Catch it in the Winter!

What is the best day of the week to sleep?

Snooze-day!

How many rotten eggs does it take to make a stink bomb?

A phew!

What do cannibals eat for breakfast?

Buttered host!

What holds the sun up in the sky?

Sunbeams!

What does "Maximum" mean?

A very big mother!

What is full of holes but can still hold water?

A sponge!

Why is perfume obedient?

Because it is scent wherever it goes!

Waiter, this soup tastes funny?

Then why aren't you laughing!

What do you get if you cross a US President with a shark?

Jaws Washington!

Why is it not safe to sleep on trains?

Because they run over sleepers!

Why do you keep doing the backstroke?

I've just had lunch and don't want to swim on a full stomach!

How do we know that Joan of Arc was French?

She was maid in France!

Who invented underground tunnels?

A mole!

Why did the clock get sick?

It was run down!

How do you make milk shake?

Give it a good scare!

Do you know the time?

No, we haven't met yet!