Crazy helpdesk calls - Page 2

Customer: "Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says, 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it."

Helpdesk: "How may I help you?"

Customer: "I'm writing my first e-mail."

Helpdesk: "Okay, and what seems to be the problem?"

Customer: "Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?"

A user calls the support desk and reports she's having trouble powering up her new laptop. She says the battery is good; she used it last night. The tech desk asks, "Is the laptop plugged in?" The user says, "How do I determine if it's plugged in?"

Another customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later, a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

Customer: "I have problems printing in red."

Helpdesk: "Do you have a color printer?"

Customer: "Ah. Thank you."

A user with a problem calls the help desk, saying "An error message just popped up. It's asking for me to hit OK or cancel. What should I do?" The tech rep says, "Click Cancel." The user promptly states, "Well, I already clicked OK!"

User calls the help desk to ask if something is wrong with the mail server. "My e-mails are coming in with next week's date. This is March 31, isn't it?" No, says tech support, it's April 7. That's when the user realized she forgot to change her calendar.

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in

True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Customer: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Helpdesk: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Customer: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Helpdesk: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Customer: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Helpdesk: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show?"

Customer: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

Best organization in the world

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

1. 29 have been accused of spousal abuse

2. 7 have been arrested for fraud

3. 19 have been accused of writing bad checks

4. 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

5. 3 have done time for assault

6. 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

7. 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8. 8 have been arrested for shoplifting

9. 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

10. 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

How many … to change a light bulb - Page 4

How many help-desk employees does it take to change a light bulb? Hmmmm. The bulb works fine in my office. 

How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb? You cannot change a light bulb. By nature, it will go out again. 

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they only screw in hot tubs.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bathtub. 

I don't know how many high school girls it would take to change a light bulb, but they'd sure post it on Facebook! 

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket. 

How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget. 

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him. 

How many whales does it take to change a light bulb? Since we're saving the whales, why not save the bulb too?

How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb? None, make her cook in the dark. 

How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes ten years. 

How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Seven, one to screw it in and six to design the T-shirts. 

How many salesmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? (pause) I get it! This is one of those light bulb jokes, right? 

How many Florida residents does it take to change a light bulb? Nobody knows, they're still counting. 

How many Pentium owners does it take to change a light bulb? 0.99987, but that's close enough for most applications. 

How many KKK members does it take to change a lightbulb? None, those guys live in eternal darkness.

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Some obscure number you've never even heard of.

How many mice does it take to change a light bulb? Two, but I don't know how they got in there.

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes three bulbs. 

How many goths does it take to change a light bulb? None. They prefer everything dark. 

One. How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb? 

How many Paul Reveres does it take to screw in a light bulb? One if by hand, two if by feel. 

Funny things to amuse yourself - Page 5

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Leaf through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

When someone says, "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.

Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Lie on your back eating celery using your navel as a salt dipper.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman numerals.

How to get rid of tele marketing callers - Page 2

Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Funny One Liners - Page 2

Fighting for peace is like f**king for virginity.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

               

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

               

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

               

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

               

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

               

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

               

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

               

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

               

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

               

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

               

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

               

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

               

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Funny Quotes - Page 20

3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.

Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.

I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

If at first you don't succeed, try left field.

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.

He was more tense than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Gun Control: Use both hands.

The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"?

The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

Facts about bread

More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two days.

Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cream cheese.

Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person.

Newborn babies can choke on bread.

Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than two minutes.

Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

It has been proven all corrupt governments eat bread.

Funny Newspaper Headlines - Page 4

Former Man Dies in California 

Deer Kill 17,000 

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again 

Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies 

Panda Mating Fails - Veterinarian Takes Over 

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 

Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing 

Man, Minus Ear, Waives Hearing 

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 

Child's Death Ruins Couple's Holiday 

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case 

New Housing for Elderly Not Yet Dead 

NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach 

Woman Kicked by her Husband said to be Greatly Improved 

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy 

Dead Officer on Force for 18 Years 

State Dinner Featured Cat, American Food 

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 

House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate 

Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon 

Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests 

Never Withhold Herpes From Loved One 

Lady Gaga Fan Dies at Concert, Recovers 

William Kelly Was Fed Secretary 

President of Company Says, "Stud Tires Out" 

Navy Changes Skirt Policy, Making Apparel Optional 

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in Ten Years 

Fifth Graders get to Grill Lions 

Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung 

Bridge Held Up By Red Tape 

Chinese Apeman Dated 

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly it May Last a While 

Resume CV Mistakes - Page 3

Hobbies: “getting drunk everynight down by the water, playing my guitar and smoking pot”

Why Interested in Position: “to keep my parole officer from putting back me in jail”

Hobbies: “Drugs and girls”.

Under “job related skills” – for a web designer – “can function without additional oxygen at 24,000 feet”.

Objective: “career on the Information Supper Highway”

Experience: “Stalking, shipping & receiving”

“I am great with the pubic.”

A candidate listed her e-mail address as pornstardelight@*****.com

“My duties included cleaning the restrooms and seating the customers.”

Achievements: “Nominated for prom queen”

“Finished eighth in my class of ten.”

“Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”

“Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.”

“Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.”

“Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”

“It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”

“Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.”

“I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”

“You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.”

“I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.”

Job Duties: “Answer phones, file papers, respond to customer e-mails, take odors.”

Interests: “Gossiping.”

Favorite Activities: “Playing trivia games. I am a repository of worthless knowledge.”

Funny Oxymoron’s

Act naturally

Found missing

Resident alien

Advanced BASIC

Genuine imitation

Airline food

Good grief

Same difference

Almost exactly

Government organization

Sanitary landfill

Alone together

Legally drunk

Silent scream

American history

Living dead

Small crowd

Business ethics

Soft rock

Butt head

Military intelligence

Software documentation

New York culture

New classic

Sweet sorrow

Synthetic natural gas

Passive aggression

Clearly misunderstood

Peace force

Extinct life

Temporary tax increase

Computer jock

Plastic glasses

Terribly pleased

Computer security

Political science

Tight slacks

Definitely maybe

Pretty ugly

Twelve-ounce pound cake

Diet ice cream

Working vacation

Exact estimate

Microsoft Works

Riddles - Page 3

Q: What has one eye but cannot see?

A: A needle

Q: Take away my first letter, and I still sound the same. Take away my last letter, I still sound the same. Even take away my letter in the middle, I will still sound the same. I am a five letter word. What am I?

A: EMPTY

Q: What has hands but can not clap?

A: A clock

Q: What is round on both sides but high in the middle?

A: Ohio.

Q: What can you catch but not throw?

A: A cold.

Q: If a blue house is made out of blue bricks, a yellow house is made out of yellow bricks and a pink house is made out of pink bricks, what is a green house made of?

A: Glass

Q: What is as light as a feather, but even the world’s strongest man couldn’t hold it for more than a minute?

A: His breath!

Q: Throw away the outside and cook the inside, then eat the outside and throw away the inside. What is it?

A: Corn on the cob, because you throw away the husk, cook and eat the kernels, and throw away the cob.

Q: What starts with the letter “t”, is filled with “t” and ends in “t”?

A: A teapot!

Q: What is so delicate that saying its name breaks it?

A: Silence.

Q: You walk into a room with a match, a karosene lamp, a candle, and a fireplace. Which do you light first?

A: The match.

Q: A man was driving his truck. His lights were not on. The moon was not out. Up ahead, a woman was crossing the street. How did he see her?

A: It was a bright and sunny day!

Women's T-shirts

1. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

2. All stressed out and no one to choke.

3. And your point is...

4. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

5. Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.

6. You KNOW you want me.

7. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...

8. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.

9. I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

10. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

11. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

12. I hate everybody, and you're next.

13. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

14. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

15. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear

Interesting Facts - Page 8

6 British football teams with body parts in their name: LIVERpool FC, PortsMOUTH FC, CHESTerfield FC, GatesHEAD FC, ARMthorpe Welfare FC, ASHINgton AFC.

Mahatma Gandhi made his own sandals as he shunned material possessions. He even gave a (fresh) pair to Jan Smuts, the South African politician, in 1914.

The "Jesus" film is the most watched film in history. It has been seen by over 2 billion people. It has been translated into more than 760 languages.

There are just under half a million surnames in Britain; only 2.1% of Britons are called Smith or Jones. Surnames have existed here since 1100 AD.

The US Air Force came from the US Army Signal Corps. They had an officer & 2 men in 1907. By 1914 the Aviation Section was allowed 60 officers & 260 men.

The Archery Law of 1363 which commanded the practice of archery on Sundays & holidays was law until 1960, so archery has not been outlawed on Sundays.

Taxi is spelled exactly the same in English, French, German, Swedish, Portuguese, and Dutch. Horse-drawn carriages (taxis) started in the 17th century.

A corpse travelled in a 1st Class seat on the BA flight from Delhi. The woman had died in Economy and was 'upgraded' to 1st Class according to BA policy.

'Camp' comes from the French slang term 'camper', which means 'to pose in an exaggerated fashion'. It was first noted in the OED in 1909.

Government research has found that the average British person eats 3000 meals of Spaghetti Bolognese in their lifetime. Stew is second (2612 meals).

You get 5050 if you add all the numbers from 1 to 100 consecutively. The easy way is to times 101 by 50, as there are 50 pairs of 101 (100+1, 99+2 etc).

French artist Yves Klein invented the blue colour International Klein Blue. He used it in performance art to paint models' naked bodies.

The registration plate on Rocky's car in the movie 'Rocky IV' (1985) was SOTHPAW. The model of the car was a 1982 Lamborghini Countach LP 5000S.

William Ralph Dean, known as Dixie Dean is the only English International to have more goals than caps. He scored 18 goals in 16 games from 1927-1932.

How many … to change a light bulb - Page 3

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? Fifteen. One to hold the bulb, and the rest to drink whiskey until the room spins. 

How many roadies does it take to change a light bulb? One two! One two! 

How many beer makers does it take to change a light bulb? About one third less than for a regular bulb. 

How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? Oh my GOD! Like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure. 

How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb? None. They bake pies. 

How many people with ADD does it take to change a light bulb? I just found a new recipe for Egg Salad!

How many safety inspectors does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it, and three to hold the ladder. 

How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? Change?

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Sixteen. One to change it, and fifteen to form a support group. 

How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. 

How many Italians does it take to change a light bulb? Are you callin' my wife a whore?

How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it might take all day. 

How many carpenters does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to hold it, one to hammer it in. 

How many dadaists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish. 

How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? WHO WANTS TO KNOW? 

How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? Oh, Daddy!

How many bodybuilders does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to do it and two to say, "You're looking huge, man!"

How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb? Four, one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof. 

How many emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? None, they like to cry in the dark.

How many kids on Ritalin does it take to change a light bulb? Hey, let's go ride bikes!

How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb? None. They let their wives do it.

How many senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb. 

Funny One Liners - Page 1

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.       

    

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.    

  

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

The Biggest Ever Lies

The check is in the mail.

I'll respect you in the morning.

I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.

It's only a cold sore.

You get this one, I'll pay next time.

My wife doesn't understand me.

Trust me, I'll take care of everything.

Of course I love you.

I am getting a divorce.

Drinking? Why, no, Officer.

I never inhaled.

It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.

I never watch television except for PBS.

...but we can still be good friends.

She means nothing to me.

Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."

I gave at the office.

Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.

I'll call you later.

We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.

Read my lips: no new taxes.

I've never done anything like this before.

Now, I'm going to tell you the truth.

It's supposed to make that noise.

I *love* your new _____!

...then take a left. You can't miss it.

Yes, I did.

Don't worry, it's OK - I'm sterile.

Murphy’s Work Law - Page 2

The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People are always available for work in the past tense.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

Scientific quotes - what they really mean.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...

I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...

This data is practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS

TO THE QUESTIONS"...

An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...

The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...

This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...

I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...

Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...

Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...

Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...

I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...

A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...

Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE

OF THESE FINDINGS"...

A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...

Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED

BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...

I don't understand it....and I never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...

They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...

A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS

FIELD"...

I am pleased to feed you bullshit.