Funny Quotes - Page 19

Drilling for oil is boring.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

If Helen Keller had ESP, would you say she had a fourth sense?

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Karaoke is Japanese for "tone deaf".

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Strip mining prevents forest fires.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Some people have a way with words, others not have way.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing

Polynesia - memory loss in parrots.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

There's no future in time travel.

I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

Excuses for taking a day off - Page 2

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

My stigmata's acting up.

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet....

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly elog (pi) on all the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Falcons, huh? So I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

Riddles - Page 1

Q: What has a foot but no legs?

A: A snail

Q: If an electric train is travelling south, which way is the smoke going?

A: There is no smoke, it’s an electric train!

Q: Poor people have it. Rich people need it. If you eat it you die. What is it?

A: Nothing

Q: What comes down but never goes up?

A: Rain

Q: A house has 4 walls. All of the walls are facing south, and a bear is circling the house. What color is the bear?

A: The house is on the north pole, so the bear is white.

Q: I’m tall when I’m young and I’m short when I’m old. What am I?

A: A candle

Q: Mary’s father has 5 daughters – Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the fifth daughters name?

A: If you answered Nunu, you are wrong. It’s Mary!

Q: How can a pants pocket be empty and still have something in it?

A: It can have a hole in it.

Q: How many months have 28 days?

A: All 12 months!

Q: They come out at night without being called, and are lost in the day without being stolen. What are they?

A: Stars!

Q: What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment and never in one thousand years?

A: The letter M

Q: In a one-story pink house, there was a pink person, a pink cat, a pink fish, a pink computer, a pink chair, a pink table, a pink telephone, a pink shower– everything was pink!

What color were the stairs?

A: There weren’t any stairs, it was a one story house!

Puns - Page 17

5000 hares have escaped from the zoo. The police are combing the area.

Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can't hit the high seas.

The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.

If you need something done, call an electrician - they conduit.

I just got my permit to harvest shrimp in the Antarctic. Now I have a licence to Krill.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Math teachers have lots of problems.

Let's talk about rights and lefts. You're right so I left.

There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.

I don't find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.

Mooning is lunacy.

Did you hear about the new pinata? It's a huge hit.

I can't find my rutabaga. I hope it will turnip.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Mummies are bound to be uptight.

It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.

Whenever the Tyrannosaurus Rex would participate in an egg hunt he would always come up short-handed.

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

Pencil sharpeners have a tough life - they live off tips.

A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.

I used to do rock climbing as a youth, but I was much boulder back then

After winter, the trees are relieved.

If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack don't yell out Hi Jack!

Corporate Speak - Page 2

It Is in Process - So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.

Let's Get Together on This - I'm assuming you're as confused as I am.

Meeting - A mass meeting by the masterminds where nothing will be fully decided until the next meeting.

Note and Initial - Let's spread the responsibility for this.

Policy - We can hide behind this.

Program - Any assignment that cannot be completed by one telephone call.

See Me - Come down to my office, I'm lonely.

Reliable Source - The person you just met.

Informed Source - The person who told the person you just met.

Unimpeachable Source - The person who started the rumor originally.

Top Priority - It may be idiotic, but the boss wants it.

Under Active Consideration. We're looking in the files for it.

Under Consideration - Never heard of it.

We Are Making a Survey - We need more time to think of an answer.

We Will Look into It - By the time the wheel makes a full turn, we assume you will have forgotten about it too.

Will Advise in Due Course - If we figure it out, well let you know.

How to get rid of tele marketing callers - Page 1

If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees. 

Funny Answering Machine Messages

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons

right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home

and it's safe to leave us a message.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not

here. So leave a message.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your

name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now,

because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and

down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message,

and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to

it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave

*sexy* message, I call sooner!

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please

speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these

magnets.

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with

her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want

anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the

phone.

This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording

device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and

a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a

message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a

message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy

now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist

suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to

leave your name, number, and a message.

Funny Ads - Page 1

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 weeks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey 2.35; Chicken or Beef 2.25; Children 2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

How many … to change a light bulb - Page 1

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That's not funny, pig. 

How many help-desk employees does it take to change a light bulb? May I suggest you read the manual? 

How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb? Oh, no! The bulb's out? Sell my GE stock NOW!! 

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? Hey, buddy, if you keep buggin' me, I'm gonna rip you a new one!

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None, let her do the dishes in the dark.

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they have to do it while you're eating dinner. 

How many NASCAR drivers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they can only go left.

How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to get an Evian, and one to call Daddy. 

How many reference librarians does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, I'll have to check on that and get back to you. 

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem. 

How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb? Approximately 1.000000000000000000001. 

How many dieters does it take to change a light bulb? If it's "light", what could be better?

How many Blackberry users does it take to change a light bulb? Farm. 

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? The bicycle's broken. 

How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five, one to change it and four to make the documentary about it. 

How many prisoners does it take to change a light bulb? How many packs of cigarettes will you give them? 

How many editors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but first he has to rewire the entire building. 

How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two thirds. 

How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon. 

How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes them three visits. 

How many George Bushes does it take to change a light bulb? Well, first of all, the light bulb did nothing wrong. Why do you hate freedom?

How many Spaniards does it take to change a light bulb? Juan.

How many jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? Don't worry, I'll just sit here in the dark.

How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? Six. Why? IT JUST DOES, OKAY??!! 

How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb? 1.67 

Crazy helpdesk calls - Page 1

Helpdesk: "What kind of computer do you have?" "A white one."

Helpdesk: "Click on the 'My Computer' icon on to the left of the screen."

Customer: "Your left or my left?"

Customer: "I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!"

Helpdesk: "Good day. How may I help you?" Male customer: "Hello, I can't print." Helpdesk: "Would you click on start for me."

Customer: "Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, you know!"

Helpdesk: "Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'."

Customer: "Is that '7' in capital letters?"

Customer: "My monitor did not pass the drop test during our department move. I would like to get another one."

User's new notebook PC has a wireless network card. He loves it - for a day or so, until the battery goes dead. "Did you plug it into a power outlet to charge it?" asks systems administrator. "No," says sales guy impatiently. "It's wireless, why would I?"

User tells support tech that she knocked a key off her laptop. She replaced it, but now it won't work. Tech asks, "is the key loose?" "Not now," user replies. "It was loose, but I fixed it. I used super glue."

Helpdesk: "What does the screen say now.."

Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."

Helpdesk: "Well?"

Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

A lady was putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the tech discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

Customer: "I turned on my PC this morning, and the screen is black."

Helpdesk: "Is the monitor on?" Customer: "Yes."

Helpdesk: "OK, turn the monitor off."

Customer: "Oh, wow! It just started working! I wonder what happened?"

Interesting Facts - Page 6

Horses cannot vomit. They lack the stomach muscles & digestive abilities to do so. They can also rotate their ears to pick up sound from any direction.

Since 1943, 60 animals have been awarded the Dickin Medal. Winkie the pigeon, Robbie (the parachuting Collie) and Simon the cat were all recipients.

The record-breaking Chukwu octuplets were born between 8 and 20 December 1999; the first was delivered naturally, the other seven by Caesarean section.

The word vase derives from the Latin word 'vas' which means duct or enclosed pipe. Other words that come from this origin are vein, venous & vessel.

The biggest matryoshka (Russian doll) was made in 1970, was 1m high, had 72 dolls, and was dedicated to the birthday of former Soviet leader Lenin.

The "yubitsume" was a Samurai punishment for disobedience involving the cutting off of a finger. Japanese gangsters still apply the punishment today.

The longest piece of music is designed to go on for 639 years, composed by John Cage it is called 'As Slow As Possible'.

Shortbread is Scottish in origin. Early Scottish bakers fought to prevent it from being classified as a biscuit, to avoid paying government tax on it.

Apart from the USA, India has the longest road network in the world, with a length of 3,319,644km. Brazil is 3rd, China is 4th, and Japan is 5th.

Men in the country of Costa Rica can now be sent to prison for trying to chat up women. Offenders face up to 50 days in prison or a fine if found guilty.

The human brain has enough oxygen stored for metabolism to persist about 7 secs after heart and lungs fail. The eyes focus upto 25 secs after beheading.

A Squillologist studies Squillos - a peal of sudden noise. The metallic element named after a Greek God is Lead (Pb), from Protogonus, the first God.

Scritti Politti took their name from the political writings of the Italian Marxist Antonio Gramsci. The correct Italian phrase is 'scritti politici'.

Irish playwright Samuel Beckett played 2 first class games for Northants to become the only Nobel laureate with an entry in Wisden Cricketers' Almanack.

During WWII, Oscars were made of plaster to conserve materials. Winners, incl. Bing Crosby & Ingrid Bergman, were later presented with the real Oscar.

The mountain most widely claimed as un-climbed is Gangkhar Puensum in Bhutan where the climbing of high mountains has been prohibited since 1994. 

Funny Newspaper Headlines - Page 3

Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden 

London Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy 

Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder 

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 

Red Cross in Search of Donors with Low Blood Supply 

Headless Body Found in Topless Bar

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 

Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency 

MacArthur Flies Back to Front 

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 

Local Man Fails Breathalyzer Test Despite Eating Underwear 

Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan 

Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One 

Hospitals Sued By Seven Foot Doctors 

Robber Holds Up Albert's Hosiery 

War Dims Hope for Peace 

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped 

Passengers Hit by Cancelled Trains 

Dr. Ruth to Talk About Sex With Newspaper Editors 

Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire 

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 

Expert Says Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash 

Shut-Ins Can Grow Indoors with Lights 

Supreme Court Rules that Murderers shall not be Electrocuted Twice for the Same Crime 

Schwarzenegger Wins on Budget, but More Lies Ahead 

Eye Drops Off Shelf 

Organ Festival Ends in Smashing Climax 

Stolen Painting Found by Tree 

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 

Court to Try Shooting Defendant 

Woman with Arms Held 

Funny things to amuse yourself - Page 3

Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

Drive to work in reverse.

Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of the Flintstones during that important finance meeting.

Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

Make appointments for the 31st of September.

Stare at people through the lines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.

Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.

Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Never break eye contact..

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Never make eye contact.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

Excuses for taking a day off - Page 1

I won't be in today. I'm still drunk from last night.

My car ran out of gas on the way to work. I was pushing it to a gas station and I got a stomach hernia and I have to go to the doctors.

I have a bit of a problem. I got the end of a Q-tip stuck in my ear and have to go to the doctors to get it out.

I can't come to work today because the city is paving my street and I can't get out.

I am sorry but I will be unable to come in to work today. My agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house) is kicking in and I am afraid to drive today.

Can't come in today, the springs on the garage door broke and I can't get the car out cause the door won't open.

Sorry Boss I can't come into work today...my spirit guide says work is for losers!

There has been an urgent family emergency, which I can't talk about lest I endanger any innocent bystanders.

I can't come into work today because of eye trouble.... I can't see working today.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

Geeky slogans - Page 1

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.

Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL

<----------------The information went data way-----------

Best file compression around: "DEL . " = 100% compression.

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding.

The name is Baud....... James Baud.

BUFFERS FILES_ 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

Access denied - nah nah na nah nah!

c:\> Bad Command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

Backups? We don't NEED no steenking backups.

E Pluribus Modem

>... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

Interesting Facts - Page 5

The oldest, pupose-built cinema in London to have been continuously in use is the Phoenix in North London. It is thought to be the oldest in the UK.

The most expensive necktie was made by Indian designers Satya Paul. It is made from pure silk, white gold and studded diamonds, and costs $21 million.

In 1981 Birds Eye released 'Race Against Time', a scintillating board game where the winner was the first to deliver all their peas to the factory.

"Liberty and Justice For Most" is on the Springfield courthouse seal in "The Simpsons". Mayoral seal has "Mayor of Springfield - Corruptus in Extremus".

The Spice Girls were the first band to appear on the TV channel Five, on 30 March 1997. Julia Bradbury and Tim Vine were the presenters for the launch.

Annual figures for in-flight births worldwide are less than 10 per year. Most airlines prohibit women from travelling in the last month of pregnancy.

'First Footing' occurs on Hogmany, or New Year's Day. To ensure good luck for the house, the 'first foot' through the door should be male and dark.

The Isle of Wight was known as 'Vectis' to the Romans, which over time became corrupted into Wight, because the Latin 'v' is pronounced as 'w'.

The active, male cosmic principle in Chinese dualistic philosophy is called 'yang'. The passive, female cosmic principle is called 'yin'.

Brian May built his guitar with the help of his father. The guitar in question is called the 'Red Special'. He built it in 1963 for a cost of £17.50.

Up to March 2006, 51 artistes or bands had No 1 hits and nothing else. These include Clive Dunn-Grandad, Mr. Oizo-Flat Beat & Joe Dolce-Shaddap You Face.

Casual Fridays

Week 1 - Memo

Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.

Week 3 - Memo

Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Week 6 - Memo

Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Week 8 - Memo

A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Week 9 - Memo

As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.

Week 14 - Memo

The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Week 18 - Memo

Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.

Week 20 - Memo

Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.

Sarcastic Quotes - Page 8

Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.

The National Rifle Association says, 'Guns don't kill people. People do'. But I think the gun helps.

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

Do something productive. Stop being yourself.

Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?

Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage.

You can be whatever you want; however, in your case you should probably aim low.

Martyrdom: The only way a man can become famous without ability.

A modest little person, with much to be modest about.

I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

A good listener is usually thinking about something else.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

The problem with common sense is that most people are morons.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

It's a catastrophic success.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

It's easier to replace a dead man than a good picture.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

To err is human. To forgive for no good reason is plain stupid.

For your information, I would like to ask a question.